“Why is catcalling and sexual harassment such a big thing these days? Why are women “overreacting” about this? Can’t they just ignore the harasser and keep walking if it bugs them that much? It’s just a compliment!” These are things I’ve read, these are things I’ve heard.
I was 13 when I first felt harassed by a man. He was my teacher. He left notes on my tests and called my home to talk about music and books. Initially he was someone I respected and admired, but deep down inside something felt odd and uncomfortable. Especially that time when he asked me to read a book in front of the whole class where he had written things around the margins like “I love you”, “I need you”, “call me”. Especially that time he cried to me in school when he found out I had a boyfriend, and also those following days when he called me and all I could hear were his sobbing breaths.
I am one of the lucky ones. I had the fortune of having an extraordinary woman, my mother, who caught him and managed the whole thing wonderfully. I was able to get out of that situation safe and alive all thanks to her.
The second time I felt really unsafe I was 19. I was walking back to my car from a book store when I saw a man approaching me. There was no one around, and I instantly felt anxious, but I didn’t want to be rude and mistrusting so I kept walking. When he got closer he asked me for the time, and when I looked at my wrist he tried to get his hand inside my pants. I used my keys to punch him and ran towards my car. I guess I should’ve been mistrusting, I guess I should’ve listened to that inner voice that told me something was wrong. As I drove away, I passed by him and gave him the finger and told him to go f*ck himself. I was in my car, so it felt safe to do so. I couldn’t stop crying the whole way back home.
When I told my ex-boyfriend what happened he said “but look at you?, look how you’re dressed…”. I told him I wasn’t wearing anything “revealing”, just a simple top and jeans, and even if I were walking naked, that didn’t give this man the right to try to reach for my vagina. I asked my ex to leave, he apologized to me later.
A few weeks ago I witnessed a woman being harassed by a man on the street. He pulled her purse, confronted her and pushed her in the middle of the street. There were lots of people around and she got assistance from a man and later by the police. But while he was attacking her, I completely froze. I wanted to help her, but I just couldn’t move.
I stayed with her and the police to write my testimony, but I really stayed to make sure she was ok and that she was not going to get victim-blamed by anyone. I went back to work pouring in sweat, and it took me a couple days to feel better and stop thinking about that.
But here’s thing, I don’t think I can stop thinking about that. On top of these three stories I’m sharing with you today, I have many in between from minor catcalling to more aggressive street harassment stories. And they are all in there in my head, as part of something I think about when I’m walking on the street.
Catcalling and street harassment are not just one isolated event that happens to someone in a lifetime. It happens a lot, it might happen every day, and the reason why it’s so freaking annoying and stressful is because it’s not just about that moment. It’s about every single moment you’ve experienced it.
Every time I get harassed, it’s no longer about that one harasser at that particular time, it’s about my 13-year-old self feeling powerless, feeling like an object, feeling used, feeling unsafe. It’s about that 19-year-old holding her keys to free herself from an aggressor. And it’s about feeling just really tired of ALL OF IT.
Sexual harassment has an impact in my mental health. I know I’m in the lucky spectrum, and I haven’t suffered serious consequences like PTSD or depression, but it does make me anxious, it does make me freeze and cry every time it happens. The fact still remains that just because I’ve been able to carry on, it doesn’t mean it was ever ok. Because it’s not ok.
So next time someone tells you about being harassed, don’t tell her to just ignore it, don’t tell her to take the high road, don’t tell her it was a compliment. Because it might really not be the first time, and she might be tired of it, and she might just need you to tell her it sucks, and that she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Because these were stories of my own, but I know they are shared among too many of us.
-D