OH MAN ANON YOU WILL NOT REGRET ASKING THIS
Followers who don’t want to read a badly told Roman myth about lesbians should press J on their keyboard now, as it’s pretty long, but hey – why wouldn’t you want to read a badly told Roman myth about lesbians?
It all starts in Crete, with this ordinary dude called Ligdus. Ligdus is a basic dude, like the original text makes it really clear that Ligdus is generally a nice guy, except he also happens to be a raging misogynist. He’s the kind of guy who probably owns a fedora or six.
Anyway, one day, he sperminates his wife Telethusa, and while she’s pregnant, nice guy Ligdus pulls her close and whispers in her ear: “yo baby mamma, I’m glad we’re having a baby and all, but just so you know? Girls. Girls are not my thing. Like, ew. I mean, no homo, but why would you want a weak shitty daughter when you could have a big strapping son? You can’t oil a girl and command her to plough a field. So, just for the record, if you give birth to a daughter, then I’ve spoken to the gods about this, and they’ve agreed that it’s totally fine for me to kill her. I mean, I’m a nice guy and all, and I’m still going to hold open the door for you every now and then, maybe pull out your chair before mealtimes and call you ‘m’lady’, but I really fucking hate girls. They’re, like, totally lame. You dig?”
And then Telethusa is all “yeah, yeah, I dig Ligdus, it’s OK, I’m totally expecting a boy. Like, this currently undeveloped foetus within my womb is definitely a boy. Definitely. For sure. I mean, chromosomal development isn’t entirely complete yet, and I should imagine that the primary sex characteristics are still currently forming, but this kid? Yeah. It’s a boy “
So Ligdus totally believes her and he’s ecstatic about the pregnancy, and a few months later, Telethusa falls into a deep sleep and is visited in her slumber by several Egyptian gods and goddesses. She wakes up, but Isis – basically the Egyptian Beyonce – is still there.
Isis takes one look at the pregnant Telethusa, and says “look, no offence, but your husband’s a dick. The Greek gods might’ve told him that it’s OK to kill your kid, but I’m not down with that. Like, seriously. Do me a favour, and whatever sex that baby is, keep it. Don’t let Ligdus kill it. Infanticide is basically top of the list of ‘shit that’s not cool’.”
Telethusa is afraid, and asks “but the Greek gods told my husband that he could kill my baby. If it’s a daughter and I don’t surrender her to be mercilessly slaughtered by her father, what will happen?”
And Isis is all “don’t even worry about that, dude. I’ve got your back. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of a big deal. Just trust me on this. Laters!”
And then Isis vanishes, and Telethusa is basically relieved as shit that she has godly proof that her baby doesn’t have a 50% chance of dying, and it’s all good for the next few months.Then, Telethusa goes into labour, and after a relatively painless birth, out pops a beautiful, bouncing baby girl. Telethusa is like “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad” and the nurse who helped deliver the baby is really afraid, because she doesn’t want to lie to Ligdus about the sex of the baby, but she also doesn’t want the baby to be murdered because she’s not a fucking psychopath. So, Telethusa and the nurse come up with a plan; it would be unforgivable to lie to Ligdus about the sex of his baby, but maybe they could deceive him without outrightly lying. It’s a fucking A+ plan, like seriously, this is some National Treasure type scheming.
Basically, Telethusa is like “look, my husband’s grandparents were clearly less enamoured of patriarchal gender norms than Ligdus, because they named their son Iphis, which is a rad and gender neutral name. If we name my daughter Iphis, then maybe Ligdus will just assume that she’s a dude, and he can have a totally tear-jerking father-son relationship with her and it’ll be the stuff that Adam Sandler movies are made of.”So, that’s what they do; Iphis grows up, and she’s raised as a boy. Ligdus never finds out that his son is really a girl. She grows up to have features that are equally masculine and feminine, and is generally considered to be both beautiful and handsome. She’s basically Andrej Pejić. When Iphis is 13, Ligdus comes home one day and throws a manly arm around his strapping young lad, saying “dude, for real, I’m the best dad ever” and Iphis is all “yeah dad you’re brolicious but what have you done” and Ligdus scratches his neck beard and says “I’ve found you a smokin’ hot wife. Like, damn son. This girl. This fucking girl. Thankfully, in Greek mythology, it’s less creepy for me to say shit like this about a teenager, so I’ll say it. Ianthe is a fucking hottie. She’s got two big, beautiful eyes, and lustrous golden hair. She’s the one, dude. For you, I mean. I’m married. But you? Yeah. I’m the best wingman. Say it, bro. I’m the best wingman” and Iphis is like “yeah dad you’re the best wingman, can I meet this girl before I marry her or” and Ligdus is like “son, she’s right here”
and then Ligdus brings forward Ianthe, and Iphis immediately falls in love with her. Ianthe falls in love with Iphis too, not knowing that Iphis is really a girl, and they get engaged.
As the date of the wedding draws near, Iphis grows incredibly depressed. She starts praying to the gods to end her misery; she’s devastated at being a girl who’s in love with a girl. She’s all “oh my God, guys, I get that I was supposed to be a boy, but seriously? Making me a girl in love with a girl? That’s fucked up, man. Like, it’s totally OK in the context of our social hegemony for two dudes to bang, provided there’s some exchange of knowledge as well as bodily fluids, but two girls? Dudes, this is cray. I’m actually the worst. This is all going on my blog. I mean, I could deal with all this if Ianthe didn’t love me, and if the reason we couldn’t get married was just because she didn’t like me, but Ianthe totally thinks I’m hot, like 10/10 would bang! She’s so close yet so far, so near and yet no cigar, and I can’t deal”. It’s basically like the plot of every B List lesbian tramedy ever. So, Iphis prays until she’s blue in the face to Juno*, begging Juno to do something to ease her emotional trauma, but Juno does sweet fuck all.
In one last act of desperation, Telethusa takes Iphis to the temple of Isis to pray. Telethusa prays to her old dream buddy for Iphis to be able to marry Ianthe (it’s p important to mention here that, seeing as the marriage was going to go ahead anyway, many scholars believe that ‘marry’ is actually Greek speak for ‘make sweet tender love to’, because Telethusa’s a cool mom).
Almost immediately, the temple they’re in starts to shake, and lacking any equipment to measure the Richter scale of the tremors, Telethusa and Iphis flee the temple. As they flee, Iphis notices that she’s taking wider steps than before; she can feel her hair become messier (no shit, this is what happens) and her features become sharper, but no less beautiful. When they’ve finished fleeing the temple, Iphis has become a boy. Presumably, the shock wears off pretty quickly once he realises that this means he can marry Ianthe, and Telethusa is probably too busy thinking how happy her neckbeard husband is going to be to be too surprised by it, so they go home.The next day, Iphis and Ianthe get married, and they bone the night away with no need for a strap-on. Presumably, Ligdus posted the entire wedding ceremony on Reddit.
(slight historical disclaimer under the Read More)
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