Ruby Rose: First of all how DARE YOU even consider fighting this precious cinnamon roll what possible beef could you have with her. Second of all prepare to finally understand what it feels like to have a twelve year old break every bone in your body.
Weiss Schnee: I understand. Really I do. How could you not want to fight Weiss Schnee at least a little bit? Everyone does, it’s a fundamental facet of her personality. That doesn’t mean she isn’t going to stomp your face into a freshly polished, solid gold curb. She’s just better than you. Do not fight Weiss Schnee.
Blake Belladonna: what the fuck. What the Fuck. hwat the fukc. do you know who this is. do you know who you’re dealing with right now? Blake Belladonna has killed a man with her goddamn pinky toe. Turn the fuck around and think about your choices you are not ready for this.
Yang Xiao-Long: You should absolutely fight Yang Xiao-Long. I mean there’s no way in hell you’ll win but who doesn’t want to take a solid right cross from her? Fight Yang Xiao-Long you won’t regret it.
Jaune Arc: Please for the love of god fight Jaune Arc. You’ll have to deal with Pyrrha mopping the floor with your organs afterwards but I think we can almost all agree it’d be well worth it. You have exactly zero chance of losing this fight.
Nora Valkyrie: Have fun on the fucking moon you scrub.
Pyrrha Nikos: ??? ??????? ?????????????????????????? Do you… do you actually think this could possibly end well for you? Pyrrha Nikos is a goddess you are so lucky she wouldn’t permanently maim you. Maybe you’ll even get some tips on your form while you’re slipping into your concussion-induced coma, she’s nice like that.
Lie Ren: This man turned a giant monster snake into chunky salsa with his bare hands. This man regularly serves food to Nora Valkyrie. This man has stared down death while making pancakes DO NOT FIGHT LIE REN.
Roman Torchwick: Absolutely fight Roman Torchwick. Wave some money in his face and kick him in the balls while he’s monologuing like the massive nerd he is. Kick some dirt on him while he’s down and take his hat please for all our sakes. Heck steal his lunch money while you’re at it. Play to his ego and you’ll walk away victorious, if maybe not unscathed.
Cinder Fall: Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey isn’t she the main villain here? Of course I should fight her!” Well prepare to be dead wrong. Cinder Fall is flawless. She will tear you down piece by piece before she breaks your neck with her stilettos. You are going to be very turned on and also bleeding. Fight Cinder Fall only if you’re into that sort of thing.
Glynda Goodwitch: Look at Vale. Note the distinct lack of giant monsters or huge holes to underground death tunnels in the street. Consider for a moment how easily Glynda Goodwitch could throw you into the sun. Stay in your goddamn lane do not fight Glynda Goodwitch.
Professor Ozpin: Please fight Professor Ozpin please for the love of god I need to see it at least once. He’s old and makes cookies just like your grandma, and you can take your grandma in a fight can’t you? Go for it dude I’m rooting for you.
Some important additions:
Cardin Winchester: I mean, if you’re sufficiently skilled at fighting, you are morally obligated to kick Cardin’s ass; it’s your civic duty. He’s a huge douchebag, wipe that dumbass smirk he always wears off of his fucking face. The world will applaud you as you curbstomp him into oblivion. Fight Cardin Winchester.
Russel Thrush: Kick his Sonic-the-Hedgehog-wannabe racist country ass to the fucking moon, holy shit please fight Russel Thrush. He is Cardin’s right hand man and he is just as much of a douchebag, and not as smart. Fucking green shell his ass like in Mario Kart with that stupid looking shoulder guard he wears. Go. FIGHT. WIN
Sky Lark and Dove Bronzewing: Please kick their asses. They haven’t spoken yet, but their first lines should be their shrill cries when you break their legs. Fight Sky and Dove. Fucking do it.
Sun Wukong: I mean, you should kick his ass, but can you kick his ass? You can try, but he will slip out of reach of all your punches and breakdance around you like the asshole that he is. He will laugh at you and leave banana peels for you to slip on in his wake and then probably steal your wallet. You could fight Sun Wukong, but you probably shouldn’t unless you want to be clowned into eternal shame.
Neptune Vasilias: YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY KICK HIS ASS. FIGHT NEPTUNE VASILIAS. Not only is he a major nerd, but he is also uncoordinated and flops around like a noodle when he’s not grounded. Kick his tall ass in the shins. Shove his KPop-lookin ass into a locker. You can do it. Fight Neptune Vasilias.
Velvet Scarlatina: What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you want to fight Velvet? How dare you???? HOW DARE??? No. She is a beautiful cinnamon bun too good for this world. Too pure. Do not fight Velvet Scarlatina. Plus, do you even know what’s in her box? Some say it’s the chopped remains of her enemies. Do not fight Velvet, you sick fuck.
Coco Adel: I mean, you can’t fight her and win, but you have to admit, you’d be honored to have her kick your ass. Fight Coco Adel. Not to win, but revel in the glory of her designer heels grinding you into the pavement.
Fox Alistair: Just because he’s blind doesn’t mean you should fight him. He will go Daredevil on your ass. He will eviscerate you and no one will be able to identify you afterwards. He’ll do that pufferfish shit to you like he did to that Ursa Major and that’d seriously be a horrible way to go. DO NOT FIGHT FOX ALISTAIR.
Yatsuhashi Daichi: He’s 7 fucking feet tall. He can probably crush ur skull with one hand. Hell, all he’d have to you is step on you and you’d be done. Kaput. Finito. Enough said. Do not fight Yatsuhashi.
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