alcoholic beverage breakdown

euclase:

I had a disturbing exchange with a high school-aged person today that prompted this…

• Beer, wine, mead, and cider are fermented beverages.
• Mead is made from honey.
• Cider is made from apples.
• Beer is made from grains.

• Beer tastes like beer because they flavor it with hops.
• They used to flavor beer with dandelions.
• Ain’t that cute?

• All beer is either ale or lager.
• Ale is fermented at room temperature.
• Lager is brewed and store cold.
• Barleywine, bitter, porter, and stout are ales.
• Pilsner and bock are lagers.
• Most of the crap people drink in America is pale lager.
• Mosft of the crap people drink in Ireland is dry stout.

• Butterbeer isn’t real.
• (Except actually I think it is, and I heard it tastes like cream soda)
• Miruvor isn’t real, either, but it probably would taste like squash.
• Ent-draught isn’t real, either, but shit, it would be awesome if it were.

• Wine is made from fermented fruit juice, usually grapes.
• Red wine is made from red grapes.
• White wine is made from green grapes.
• The name of the grape is the name of the wine (Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot are all varieties of grape)
• Unless you live in France.
• In which case, the name of the place supersedes the name of the grape.
• (for example: Burgundies are made in Burgundy, France, but Burgundy wine can be Pinot Noir or Chardonnay)
• Champagne is any sparkling white wine.
• However, Champagne can also be wine that comes from Champagne, France.
• Drink red wine with beef. Drink white wine with fish.
• Act like it tastes good. 
• Keep a Diet Coke in your bag for later.
• You’ll be fine.

• Brandy is distilled wine.
• Cognac is brandy aged in oak barrels.
• Don’t fuck around with the French about their cognac.

• Fortified wine is wine with added alcohol.
• Sherry is fortified white wine made in Spain.
• Port is fortified red wine made in Portugal.
• Vermouth is fortified white wine plus grape spirits.
• Sweet vermouth has added sugar.
• Dry vermouth has added spices like nutmeg.

• Liquors are distilled spirits that contain ethanol.
• Liqueurs are liquors that have sugar and flavors added.
• Liquors can be made from grains, fruits, or vegetables.

• Grain alcohol is liquor made from grains. Duh.
• Gin, Vodka, and Whisky are grain alcohols.
• Vodka is grain alcohol and water.
• Be careful with vodka. Homemade vodka is poisonous.
• Gin is (basically vodka) flavored with juniper berries.
• Absinthe is (basically gin) flavored with anise.
• Whisky is grain alcohol aged in wood barrels.
• Malt whisky is made from barley.
• Grain whisky is made from all the other grains.
• Scotch is whisky made in Scotland.
• Bourbon is Kentucky whisky mostly made from corn.
• Don’t fuck around with the Scottish.
• Don’t fuck around with people from Kentucky, either.

• Tequila is liquor made from the blue agave plant.
• Rum is liquor made from sugarcane.
• Schnapps is liquor made from fruit “must” (smashed fruit that still contains seeds and skins).
• American schnapps is grain alcohol mixed with fruit flavors and sugar syrup.
• Drink apple schnapps only while playing Tekken 2.

• Sake is rice wine that’s brewed like beer. Or something.

• Avoid these cocktails: Grog, Long Island Iced Tea, Manhattan, Dark and Stormy, Jack and Coke, Piña Colada, Scorpion. They contain huge amounts of alcohol and/or a huge number of calories. That Long Island Ice Tea is the worst motherfucker of the bunch. Just avoid them. Have a lemon drop martini instead.

• Don’t drink on an empty stomach or you’ll puke.
• Don’t drink too fast or you’ll puke.
• Avoid Long Island Iced Teas. Like I said.
• Don’t drink and drive because you might kill my Mom. You fuckers.
• If your friend has had too much to drink and needs to crash, make sure she’s lying on her side so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit. 
• Don’t leave a drunk friend alone.
• Passing out is a sign of being severely goddamn sick. If someone drinks and passes out? They are dying right now. Call 9-1-1. 
• If you are drunk, don’t drink coffee or caffeine to get sober. Sip cold water and nibble some saltine crackers.
• Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t smash my mailbox.
• Really, do you need to drink? 
• You probably don’t.
• But now you know some stuff. Maybe.