One day I walk into the locker room after gym and all the guys have their arms bent and are talking like valley girls. They say “hey act gay with us” and I’m pissed at this moment in time and I’m like “well how do gay guys act?” They were all like “you know, like this” and proceeded to talk like idiots and swing their hips as they walked. I finally snapped and I decided to make the awkward straight guys squirm (majority of which were in nothing but boxers). I said “no they don’t, gay guys act just like everyone else. I know for a fact that there are three gay men in this locker room right now and you don’t know who any of them are” (which is a lie, there are none besides me). Well suddenly everyone flipped shit. Every guy is a fifty foot radius scrambled to cover their junk and started yelling. I heard things like “you’re the fucking faggot, aren’t you?” and “quit looking at my cock you queer.” Guys who have been friends forever began to turn on each other. Two guys had similar shorts and mixed them up when hurrying to cover their crotches. Everyone was screaming and yelling and I just calmly change and walk out trying my god awful best not to burst out laughing. People were losing their balance and falling over while trying to pull up their pants. The teachers heard the commotion and rushed in as I made my way out. The sheer heteronormativity of this moment disgusts me on an existential level but Jesus this was so hysterical. This is one of my crowning achievements and I feel nothing but pride about how I caused utter chaos with two sentences.
HETEROSEXUAL MEN ARE SO FRAGILE
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