1. Our power goes out every two weeks and we’re not allowed to go home early, so we sit at our desks for the next few hours doing nothing.
2. Sometimes a hole opens up in the ceiling, so whoever sees it first just scoots a trash can under it to catch the rain until the trustees get around to funding our repairs. We once had a trash can overflowing with water in the hallway for two and a half weeks.
3. There was a gas leak last year, so we got all the students to stand in the hockey rink next door while the firefighters fixed it. Then we went back inside for class.
4. Nobody was allowed on the outside balcony until last year because it had no supports, was 25m by 2 m of solid cement, was breaking off, and hung right over the only entrances/exits of the downstairs classes.
5. The crack in the dungeon gets bigger every time there’s an earthquake,and our only emergency drill for if it gets too big is ‘run’.
6. The gymnasium flooded and repairs were cut off halfway through, so for a month or so we just had this gaping pit in the middle of the basketball court.
7. Everyone’s favourite gym game involves releasing 60-65 unsupervised children into the woods for about an hour and a half of a no-holds-barred game we like to call “Man Hunter”. The only rules are 1. No climbing trees, and 2. don’t go onto the freeway on the other side. Spoiler alert: Everybody climbs the trees. One legendary kid named Jared was known to swim across the lake in the middle. My friend personally dug a tunnel through a .5 acre 9-foot-high patch of thorn bushes. We carried her out bleeding once.
8. Our smallest class last year had 28 kids and 1 teacher.
9. All the pipes in the girl’s room broke once, and we weren’t allowed to fix it ourselves because every time we fix something the school board assumes we’re doing fine and cuts the art budget.
10. Our last art teacher blew the entirety of the year’s budget on Crayola crayons.
11. We used to have a pottery class, but the kiln we bought to replace the busted one was bigger than the doors, so it’s been in the parking lot for 3 years now.
12. One year, the district board of whateverthefuck decided that our homework support group was cutting into class time, so they canceled support group and added 5 minutes to the end of each day to meet quota.
13. Our student aid program involves handing out a cookie to each student that bothers to show up. Last year, the teacher that bought the cookies retired, so we don’t have cookies anymore.
14. Sometimes the principal goes on the announcements just to tell us that there’s a bear or a mountain lion outside, so we’re having an indoor lunch that day.
15. If you lose your bus pass at school, you can’t take the bus home. Instead, you have to get the paperwork from the front office to file a request for a temporary replacement, which costs $5 and takes 5-6 business days to be sent. The form requires a parent signature, which you can get from your parent when you get home. In 5-6 business days
16. Some dicknut keeps putting curry powder in all the cafeteria food. It doesn’t matter what it is. Chicken wrap? Chicken curry. Poutine? Curry gravy. I once had curry in my brownie
17. There was a weird smell in the science teacher’s room for about a week. They opened up the walls; turned out a bunch of rats had crawled into his office and died in the ceiling.
18. 2013 final exams involved a set of instructions including, “Bring your own gluestick; pencil crayons will not be be provided”.
19. My third day of class, there was an announcement warning that the biology wing’s iguana had gotten loose and that it had yet to be found. There was no follow-up. It’s been five years.
20. Kid behind me in grade 9 chemistry was suspended for setting his lab partner’s head on fire during a lab that didn’t involve anything being on fire at all.
21. After frog dissections, my lab group painted it’s nails pink and purple and made it a necklace out of its own intestines. She was beautiful. The teacher thought it was cute.
22. We made a fireball in the hallway for a video once.
23. Our physics teacher goes by ‘the incredible mr. G” and raps regularily into a mic during assemblies.
24. We had a principal in grade 6 who held mandatory full-school assemblies every Monday where the entire school would sit cross-legged on the floor and sing along to Beatles’ songs while she played the guitar.
25. Three kids got together and hooked a la-z-boy recliner up to a ride-on lawnmower and rode it down the hall ramp.
26. In middle school, 5 guys on mountain bikes busted in during classtime and started doing flips off the cafeteria tables.
27. During a fire drill, my english teacher bent down and whispered to me that if the world was ending and we were stranded at the school, she was going to band together the scariest students and start a pirate gange to pillage the town and survive the coming winter.
28. That same teacher once confided in me that 50 shades of grey wasn’t the best she’s read.
29. We once spent an entire geography class verbally shitting on the teacher of that class for trying to pass off ‘blurred lines’ as ‘a fun song about a nice guy trying to liberate a woman from her controlling husband”.
30. Once my biology teacher was drawing blood for science reasons (he had permission slips) and the whole administrative staff came in to “observe” the class. My biology teacher said to them, “I’m stabbing the children for science”. They left.
31. Once we had gotten a bomb threat from some creepy old guy at a resturant, so in response, the police issued a lock down while they searched the building with dogs. They told us it was a drill. We were there for an hour and a half.
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