Dave: Only eats things that are covered with orange powdered cheese substance.
Rose: Only eats things that can be heated in a microwave, when she does eat.
Terezi: Eats only red things. How did she survive on her own??
Gamzee: Lives off dust? What the fuck is he even eating.
Kanaya: Lives off of us. Needs us healthy to survive.You stare at your list and try to muster up the grim determination necessary to find a way to feed all these idiots. You’re not the leader anymore, but you can’t help but feel that if you don’t do something that will get everyone’s basic nutritional needs met, everyone but you is going to fall apart from malnutrition by the time you get to the new session.
You know what the major malfunctions of the other trolls’ upbringings were, but the hell were the humans’ lusii *thinking*?? You don’t think Dave or Rose would last more than a couple of months feeding themselves even if you all lived on an actual planet with actual supermarkets. They both seem to think food grows off of trees in ready-to-eat packages.
Not that you have a lot of options. Food synthesized with the alchemizer is subtly wrong in ways you can pinpoint, but it’s better than nothing, and cooking something from basic items – rather than just alchemizing packages of heatable food – almost makes it okay. And it’s enough. Better than the crap they’re eating, at any rate, and someone obviously needs to teach them how to feed themselves.
(They look worn, frayed around the edges, dark circles under their eyes, shaky hands and wobbly knees, everyone getting frightfully thin. Even the humans. Apparently being a god doesn’t prevent malnutrition.)
You sneak off to cook, to experiment, to throw your failed attempts down a waste chute. You get some worried looks, insofar as anyone is able to pull their heads out of their own misery; Kanaya is the one that finally confronts you, worried you’ve developed a problem. She’s relieved to the point of tears when she finds out what you’ve been trying to do, and does her best to help you get things just right.
(If it weren’t for her, you would have fiddled forever, too nervous to share anything less than perfect, leaving everyone else to starve.)
When you finally get it good enough and make a meal for everyone to share, Kanaya convinces everyone to eat together (everyone minus one; you leave him a sealed box in one of his usual haunts). They drift in, one by one, giving the covered dishes suspicious looks (or sniffs, as the case may be).
“It’s food,” you tell them. “I realize that after the processed cardboard crap you’ve been eating you may be unfamiliar with the concept, but luckily for you you have me to re-introduce you.”
There are grumbles. You prepare to shout, and perhaps cry with frustration, embarrassment, and worry. Then Terezi sniffs and says, “Is that grubloaf?” and beelines for the dish, despite Dave’s mutters about dead babies (which stumble to a halt in the face of your baffled stare).
After a moment, Rose shrugs and takes a plate (ever so carefully, but you still see the tremble in her hand), which of course makes Dave cave and take one too. They take depressingly little, and eat in silence.
They all take seconds. The humans take thirds.
And, when you check the box you left for Gamzee, it’s empty, with a little :o) drawn in what little remains of the sauce.
oh no this is way too cute
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