Children are not pets or objects adults can use for their own purposes. Kids are not problems to be resolved.
Unfortunately, many parents treat their kids as if they’re enemies, constantly battling to get their child/ren to do what they want. Parents like this rarely think about their child/ren’s wants and needs; they just assume that they are right and their children are wrong. This attitude teaches kids that they’re not really people, that love from other people is contingent on their behaviour, and that they don’t have rights. They see any kind of defiance or even disagreement as disrespectful, and railroad their kids with brute force or fear.
Sometimes, kids behave in unacceptable ways, and handling this is challenging for parents. Plus, sometimes parents have to make kids do things they don’t want to do; we all ave to brush our teeth, for example. Dealing with situations like this is difficult, but it’s part of being a parent and we have a responsibility to respect our kids and make sure we’re meeting their physical and emotional needs. Saying ‘it had to be done’ is not an excuse to mistreat or abuse anyone, including children and young people.
I recently had a frankly horrifying conversation where a group of parents flippantly discussed physically restraining their kids during medical and dental procedures. When I pointed out that this should be an absolute last resort, several parents reacted with ridicule, as if trying to explain to their kids that this had to be done and trying to address their fears was ridiculous.
A story I hope you’ll find relevant: when I was a toddler (about 3 or 4 years old), I fell through a glass door and got glass stuck in my forehead and scalp. The daycare centre called my mother, and my mother rushed me to the ER. I had to have multiple pieces of glass pulled out of my skin, and many stitches. My mother held me down and I wriggled and screamed and cried, and she realized what was going on – she stopped holding me down, and I relaxed. The Dr and nurses were able to pull the glass out and stitch me up without issue.
Parents often try to overpower kids with force, instead of thinking ‘what’s the actual problem here, and how can we resolve it? If it can’t be resolved, how can I help and support my child while they deal with it? Is there a way to work around it?’ Going back to our tooth-brushing example, a lot of people have sensory issues that make tooth-brushing difficult, even painful. Obviously we all need to clean our teeth, but that doesn’t mean that restraining a child and forcibly cleaning their teeth is an acceptable solution! Sometimes a different toothbrush works (especially one with softer bristles), sometimes the problem is actually the toothpaste, sometimes a washcloth can be used instead of a brush, or another implement can be substituted – but without talking to our kids and asking them what’s going on, we’ll never know. Kids in these situations are subjected to something that they often experience as torture because their parents have decided to use force and power over kids instead of approaching them as human beings with valid feelings who are deserving of respect.
Parenting is extremely difficult, one of the most difficult things a person can do, but that doesn’t excuse mistreatment, abuse, and violence. Children are human beings with a full range of emotions, and they have rights. As parents, it’s our job to make sure our kids needs are met and that requires treating them like people, not problems.
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