casual reminder that i wrote an 90-page novel when i was eight about a deranged pensioner who wants to take over the world and return everything to “The Good Old Days”, and which included such choice elements as
a really neurotic vegetarian vampire
alice cooper, for no apparent reason
an evil supermodel called miranda goth
three nine-year-olds climbing mount everest in diving helmets
the entire population of scotland appearing out of literally nowhere to help defeat the antagonists
“you can take our lives but you cannot take our trousers"
a few people have been asking me to post extracts from this so uh
