life hacks from cats

kleenexwoman:

• you can fix any illness or injury by humming to yourself 
• nobody should be alone in the bathroom, ever 
• if you’re scared of someone, just fluff up your hair real big and they’ll probably leave you alone 
• when you pee on something, you own that thing. congratulations! property is urine 
• if it makes a sound like food, it is definitely food and you should try to eat it no matter what 
• hitting someone in the face is an appropriate way to thank them for doing your hair 
• when your friend is sad, sitting on top of them will make them feel better 
• if a gross dude is trying to have sex with you and you’re not into it, just shrug your shoulders and walk a few feet away and he’ll forget what he was doing entirely 
• missed the toilet? it’s ok. just kick some tp over it and nobody will know the difference. it’s also ok if you don’t even manage to cover it up as long as you tried 
• when you have leftovers, scratching the table around your dish will keep them fresh and tasty until you’re ready to eat again 
• if you are lonely and want affection, headbutting your best friend at full force is the best way to let them know you want to hang out 
• jealous because someone else is getting all the love? berate them until they leave the room. the other person will then be happy to immediately transfer their affection to you 
• silently and grimly kicking your brother in the stomach is a fun way to spend an afternoon 
• there is no limit to the number of times gravity can be discovered 
• it’s very important to keep yourself hydrated! find the stupidest possible way to drink water and do that. make sure to get your neck nice and wet for no real reason 
• when you’re finished styling your coif in the morning, remember to eat the hair you’ve combed out for a morning pick-me-up snack 
• doors should never be closed. if a door is closed it is a terrible mistake and must be remedied immediately by screaming at your mom 
• taking a shortcut to your favorite restaurant means that the restaurant will be an entirely different place by the time you get there 
• for a dramatic and loveable makeup look, wing both your top and bottom eyeliner all the way out to your ears and then draw a little “m” on your forehead 
• when it’s time to take the edge off, scatter your favorite drug on the floor and just roll around in it until you drool 
• need exercise? do sprint laps of your house at three in the morning. don’t worry about knocking things over! your health is more important than that ming vase.