You’re
almost there. You can feel the thrill of victory. It vibrates in the
keys under your frantically tapping fingertips.
You’re
sure, you’re sure, you’re
about to convince another blogger that doorknobs
exist!
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user the-knob-is-a-lie has
argued hard, across dozens of reblogs, to prove their thesis that
doorknobs are nothing but a sinister myth. But they’ve slipped.
There’s a flaw in their logic. A contradiction. And you’re about
present that flaw to them and prove yourself the victor of this
ideological war, once and for all.
“If,
as you say, twisty things don’t exist at all,” you write,
“then how
did you unscrew your water bottle just now?Huh?
HUH?????”
You
post the reply and take a moment to bask in your genius.
The
trap is sprung. The day is yours. The only thing to be done is sit
back and wait for your opponent to come crawling over and kiss your
feet, to thank you solemnly for making them see reason.
The
response is not what you expected. There is no kissing your feet. No
groveling.
The
victory strikes oddly hollow. You’ve proven something you already
know, that the-knob-is-a-lie is
wrong. You’ve proven it to yourself, and you’ve proven it to the
other people who already know it. You’ve won, and you’ve won
precisely nothing.
Want
this situation to go differently? Want to communicate rather than
alienate? Let’s look at your question again:
“If,
as you say, twisty things don’t exist at all, then how
did you unscrew your water bottle just now?”
The
phrasing implies that you expect your question to come as a shock.
That… might come across as condescending. Consider,
instead, assuming that the question you
are asking is a question the other person has thought of,
and working forward from there.
Firstly,
take a moment to set aside your incredulity and think about possible
answers to your question. How did they
unscrew their water bottle without twisty things? Do they define the
word “unscrew” differently from you? Or “twisty”?
Were they exaggerating a bit when they said twisty things don’t
exist? And will you come across as pedantic when you use that
exaggeration against them?
Assume
there are reasons why a good, earnest, intelligent human would say
things that sound crazy to you. What might those reasons be? If you’re trying too hard to be in the right, it’s harder to make your point. It’s harder to understand where the other person is coming from so you can communicate your points in a way they will understand.
Okay,
now you’re ready to start your question over. Own your subjective
perception of the conversation, and inquire openly about theirs:
“You
said earlier that twisty things don’t exist. My
understanding of
the screw-top lids on water bottles is that they are a kind of
twisty thing. Do
you see them
differently? Or did
you mean ‘twisty
thing’ more specifically than I
interpreted it
when I read your earlier post?”
Now
the conversation can move forward, because you’re talking like you
care what the other person has to say. Like you know that there are
limitations to your own understanding.Your
goal now is not to be right, but to understand where the other person
is coming from so you can communicate your points in a way that they
will understand.
You’ve
set a tone of respect. That doesn’t guarantee you anything, but it
does make it much easier for the-knob-is-a-lie to
admit that they might be wrong, or might have communicated badly.
You’ve
created room for them to say, “Well now that you mention it,
I’m not sure how I reconcile those things. Maybe you’re right.
I’ll think about it,” or, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t really
mean that there are no twisty things at all. I was talking about a
certain kind of twisty thing.”
Remember,
if you’re arguing, then someone else is involved. Even if your
argument seems rock-solid to you, if that person doesn’t see it then
you haven’t proven anything to them. Maybe you just wanted to prove
to yourself how right you are, but if you want them to understand and
believe your point of view, trying to spring traps for them is not an effective strategy. Demonstrating an attempt to understand where
they’re coming from works a lot better.
My sisters started @avertingtheflamewars, this nifty blog about strategies for communicating effectively on the internet! Give it a look!
