how bangable are the roman emperors

thoodleoo:

juliuscaesarofficial:

thoodleoo:

i definitely think about this way too much but since i’ve made my official list i’m making y’all listen to it too

augustus
ok, i’ve talked about how augustus is the hottest emperor, like, a lot. people who know me well have heard this spiel many, many times no matter how many times they didn’t ask me to give it ANYWAY augustus is a very purdy man but i’ve gotta say, probably not the best in bed. all that imperium is sexy at first but he’s a nervous guy and he’d probably just end up giggling and accidentally lying down on your hair a bunch. cute, but maybe not the most bangable. 5/10

tiberius
look, i’m sorry, i know there are a lot of people who feel bad for tiberius but i think he’d probably be really boring in bed. like yeah he’s pretty good looking (that julio-claudian profile…mmm) but you know that the second the clothes come off he’s gonna start sobbing. emotional guys are fine but you just do not need those mommy issues in the bedroom. also, he’s probably got a TON of weird freudian kinks. 3/10

caligula
first off, i get it. suetonius isn’t really the most accurate source and a lot of it’s bullshit yada yada. that being said, caligula’s pretty, but also, stay VERY far away once he starts trying to bang his sister and make his horse consul. young caligula is probably a safe bet, but…well, you know what they say about a man with little boots. young caligula: 6/10. older caligula: 4/10

nero
seriously? first of all, he’s got the personality of a gasoline-soaked blanket: horribly uncomfortable, and likely to start a fire. second, have you seen his portraiture? dude looks like he’s about to go watch a marathon of my little pony while posting on an mra forum and plotting to murder his mom for not buying him a katana. -10000/10

hadrian
sorry ladies, this one’s for the guys only. hadrian’s a pretty great guy and on top of that he’s one hot philhellene. he’s a well-cultured guy that you could have some nice conversations with while staring at his abs. he can definitely be on the emotional side sometimes but overall a real nice dude. plus he built that bitchin wall so you know he knows how to handle his wood 😉 10/10

marcus aurelius
my boyfriend never listens to me when i say marcus aurelius is the sexiest of the good emperors but whatever, ducky, marcus aurelius is fucking hot. he’s got that gorgeous fluffy hair and beard, plus he’s a good guy. he can get philosophical and it stinks that he’s a stoic of all things but you know he’s looking out for your needs in bed since he wrote all that stuff about being good towards your fellow man or whatever. also, probably great to have high sex with. 11/10

caracalla
i’m gonna be fair, i know jack shit about caracalla. just based on his busts, though, HOO MAMA. the only problem is he looks constantly like he just saw nero come out of a toy store with a truckload of mlp figurines but other than that, damn son. 9.9/10

constantine
the only reason i’m even including constantine is because somebody once had the nerve to tell me that constantine is the sexiest emperor. like, are you blind?? have you seen his portraiture??? he looks like something out of a goddamn anime, and don’t even get me started on that statue of him with the “colossal hand.” like alright, nero, you can have fun with yaoi emperor over here, but when he boils you alive in your bath don’t come crying to me. 1/10

i cant BELIEVE i didnt qualify for this list

come see me when you’re an emperor, baldy