inkskinned:

like okay. this is going to get me so much into trouble but i just want to say that the whole “vanilla sex is borinnnggg!!!” thing is actually? pretty toxic. for people new at sex, it can be really scary feeling like not only do you have to deal with the whole “i’m new at sex” thing (naked people are surprisingly scary), you also have to deal with stuff you might not be sure that you’re into. and while it’s a thing for all genders, i do think that it’s particularly bad for girls, because (at least from what i’ve seen) they’re more likely to be expected to be submissive in these scenarios. that’s terrifying! if you’re young and you’re like “what kind of angry worm is that” and you’re also doing with the internalized ramifications of virginity as a construct – and then you also have to feel like you’ve gotta be choked or it’s not good? that’s stressing me out thinking about it. and even if you’re a young lady with another young lady, this stuff gets into your head; so now you’re also dealing with the whole “wow i’m glad i’m gay but oh heck i’m gay” thing and also – do you choke her? what if you hurt her? what the heck is all this stuff with like the ropes. 

and it’s not just people who are new at sex. it can be a lot of pressure for couples when they’re surrounded by this culture that suggests you’re not satisfying your partner if you’re not performing these actions. that’s not a healthy way to discover fun stuff! that’s feeling pressured into liking something because you hope that it will make the other person like you more. like long-term couples i think are even more effected by this, because you do worry you’re no longer exciting to them – it’s a natural fear! and it’s encouraged when we suggest that something like sex could be boring.

if you look at this stuff and on your own you’re like “huh. i’m kind of into this?” you shouldn’t feel like it’s the only choice you have, or that you have to start trying it out right now. so much of the “vanilla sex is boring” culture silences communication between partners. you should be able to say “can we be gentle tonight” without a silent fear that your partner isn’t enjoying themselves. you should be able to say “hey i’m having fun but can we maybe slow down” without feeling like she’s going to be disappointed because she can’t choke you. you should be able to pick and choose literally every time what you want to experience and in any moment decide you don’t want something. keep your communication flowing, keep everything positive, and have cute vanilla sex.

and i’m just saying? if you’re having vanilla sex and it’s boring? you’re not having sex right. because vanilla sex can be amazing if you pay attention to your partner and explore their body. and if you’re bored by your partner(s)? maybe do them a favor and leave.