things you didn’t know about the Bye Bye Man that make it sound even more like a fake movie than it already does:
the bye bye man has an animal sidekick. it looks like it’s a dog made of raw ground beef.
a real and actual power that the bye bye man has is the ability to cause erectile dysfunction
when the bye bye man shows up, you hear the toot toot of a train. no reason is given for this. toot toot.
there are college students who own a house phone
faye dunaway is there
there is a character named Mr. Daisy. he uses the phrase “handsome boys.”
the bye bye man is shown in the library. he’s not cast in shadow or anything. he’s just there. he has some books. i can’t remember if we hear a toot toot when it cuts to him, but i like to think we did.
the bye bye man has long long touchin fingers
can you imagine hooking up with someone and the bye bye man broke your genitals. you would have to say “i am sorry i cannot get aroused the booboo man did a witchcraft on my peepee”
toot toot
The movie is based on a short story titled “The Bridge to Body Island” (a much better name), which in turn is based on what people keep calling an “urban legend” (it’s just a ghost story). I heard a version years and years ago, and from what I’ve heard of the movie… the version I heard was much better, because the writers apparently looked at the story and went “but you know what would make it better? If we explained fucking nothing about this monster”.
So the version I heard was that back in the 1900s or so there was this albino kid left in crappy orphanage, where he was abused and eventually blinded, but he developed psychic powers letting him track down and “see” people talking and thinking about him (usually his bullies). Eventually he went on a bloody rampage and ran off to live in trainyards since trains go all over the place, so they had a lot of appeal to a kid that just wanted to get the fuck away. So his victims hear and see train shit because an immortal psychic killer that lives in trains and trainyards is hunting them down. But he had a sensitive side! He wanted a good companion so he made himself a dog out of bits of his victims. Of course that’s a terrible way to get yourself a dog (seriously dude, visit your local animal shelter), and the poor thing is always falling apart, so he’s always needing replacement parts. And that’s why he hunts – he’s this creepy blind psychic lonely dude that cares about keeping his dog around way way way more than he cares about some strangers. It’s not an “animal sidekick,” it’s like 70% of the reason why he does his “killing people” schtick.
It could have been a decent horror movie.
The movie cut the explanations. There are train sounds, and this pale monster dude, and for some reason there’s a dog. For… reasons. Maybe they just assumed the ghost story was WAY more popular than it actually is and nobody would need this shit explained?
But yeah, I’d love to see a proper adaptation with this badly-named monster just wanting to keep his dog happy and healthy(ish). “Who’s a good horrible abomination? You are! Yes you are! Yes you are!“
the pineapple on pizza post is basically the equivalent of kids on the playground going “No I shot you” “But I have armor” “But my shots go through armor”
That would be because I haven’t posted it yet! Many people have requested the story mentioned in the tags “Grandpa Menaces a Peach Tree With A Baseball Bat”, So here it is, with a side of “Grandpa Menaces The Iowa Relatives With Giant Corn”
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For the Full Context of this tale, you have to understand how my dad’s side of the family got to America in the first place. Prior to 1917, they were all farmers of limited success that migrated from county to county, trying not to starve, until a covey of the Fitzpatricks heard that they could be shoveling shit in Grand Americay, far away from the people they owed money to, so they all fucked off to Iowa and somehow made a fortune in the real-estate business in the middle of the depression. Despite now being comfortably middle-class, they never actually gave up farming, and having a pair of glowing green thumbs was a point of pride in the family.
So, when Grandpa moved out to California, specifically to the Salinas Valley, which is where an absurd percentage of the country’s food is grown because it’s full of probably the world’s most stupidly good soil, Grandpa had to continue the tradition and set up a garden in the backyard, planted various crops and flowers in January because fuck you this is coastal California, I can start stuff in the middle of winter, and invited his sister Leone and her growing brood of (at the time, 5, later 9 children) out to visit.
They came out in July, to escape the Midwest humidity and Butter fetish for a time, when the corn is typically getting to be around knee-height if things are going well. Grandpa spent a long time asking how things were back on the farm, plying them with ice tea and grandma’s lethal Angel Food cake, before politely inviting Leone and her Husband Scotty out back to see how his patch was doing, oh its not much really, just a bit of fun for me and the children-
Scotty and Leone stared at the nine-foot-tall goddamn corn which was already setting fruit because it had been going since January. At the watermelon plant that had taken over the side-yard, and at the other oversize and thriving crops that had taken over grandpa’s yard. There was a few moments of awed silence.
“Well fuck you Edwin.” Scotty eventually said, before Leone whopped him over the head and the rest of the visit was a pleasant diversion.
the following spring though, Grandpa received a package from Iowa, specifically a small peach tree with a note saying “With Love, Scotty.”
Leone knew better than to engage in such shenanigans, because this is irish-agrarian passive-aggressive Bullshittery at its absolute finest. “Sure, yeah, you can do corn. Any asshole can do corn. TRY THIS FUSSY-ASS PEACH VARIETAL INSTEAD, YOU ASS” is perhaps a more accurate translation.
Grandpa, not about to be intimidated by a mere tree, planted that sucker in the front yard and proceeded to pamper it- bone meal fertilizer, a brand-new irrigation system, the works. Hell, he would go out some times and talk to the darn thing. It flowered, and he borrowed a behive from one of the local farmers to make DARN SURE that it got pollinated, because he was going to mail peaches to Scotty for Christmas, that asshole.
The tree. Did not. fruit.
That fall, grandpa reccived a letter from Scotty, asking after a couple paragraphs of circumlocutions, how that tree he sent was doing?
Grandpa got up, made himself a martini, picked up Dad’s baseball bat, and walked out to the front yard to have a discussion with the Peach tree.
“I’ve just received a letter.” he explained, waving the paper at the tree. “Asking when you’re going to fruit. Now, I think I’ve held up my responsibilities to you as your caretaker, so it’s time for you to start providing. Do you understand? This spring, you better start fruiting or I will personally take this bat to you and turn you to into kindling.”
He stepped close to the tree, sticking his face in the branches as though whispering into it’s hypothetical ear. “Do not test me, you little shit.”
The next week, the tree bloomed out of season, and by February, it had set an obscene amount of fruit, which grandpa gleefully turned into preserves and mailed back to Iowa.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE:
I e-mailed dad to tell him that that peach tree story is much popular on this site, and he mailed me back with:
“You realize Scotty mailed Grandpa an ornamental tree right? It wasn’t supposed to fruit at all.
He was gonna tell Grandpa it was sterile on his deathbed, because Scotty was an ass like that. He was so mad when Grandpa mailed the peaches that he wrote a fairly nasty letter back accusing him of being a charlatan and that his corn was skinny and probably fake too. Grandpa was furious and mailed them polaroids of the tree to show that HE WAS NOT FAKING IT, THANK YOU, and Scotty accused him of taping store peaches to the tree, ad so on.
This went on for several years and got rather bitter, until the Iowans came out to California again, and Grandpa drove Scotty from the airport at ten at night to show him the goddamn tree, with the real fruit it was actually growing, thank you.
Scotty was about to argue with him when Leone whopped him over the head with her purse and said “If I hear one more goddamn word about this tree, they’ll never find your corpse. Now lets go in, I want a martini.”
Things got much better with the Iowans after that.
You should’ve heard Leone cackle when your grandmother showed up at Scotty’s funeral with a peach cobbler though.”
I’M FUCKING DYING. WE MOVED THAT TREE AFTER GRANDPA DIED AND IT’S STILL FUCKING FRUITING.
this is a reminder not to support the australian government, not to ignore the australian government, and not to let major developed countries fall to a deeply fascist regime.
if you live in australia, please call up your local, state and federal members about this now.
Australia’s human rights-violating asylum seeker prison camps were cited as inspiration by senior Republicans, and they’re supported by both sides of politics. Calling representatives won’t achieve anything because Australia is already a proto-fascist nation comparable to Trump’s America as much as we like to deny it.
so first off id like to say that fuck this and fuck the australian governments immigration policies, for years they have been horrific and bipartisan and it really needs to change (the pregnant woman in detention who was being denied medical treatment in australia being the most recent horror in the detention of asylum seekers god its disgusting)
but i think a lot of people who are commenting on this misunderstand the way the system in australia works. we operate under the westminster system which has a few elements that are needed to produced stable governments, and one of these is the party system. australia has two major political parties, the Liberal party (currently holding a one seat majority congratz on that one lol) and the Labor party. i seriously cannot stress how these parties are not ideological. like they have policies that lean right and left but they are pragmatic mainly and therefore need to appeal to the widest voter base possible. so like. top down theres not gonna be anyone really winning favour with the libs or labor by being all fascist-y?? if fascism appealed to a large majority of australians then maybe but history suggests that fascism is more top down than a widespread movement.please remember also that australia is one of like two countries in the world which has compulsory voting. our voter turnout is like 94% im wildly proud of that. australia definitely doesnt have a system that could even be considered a “proto-fascist” country. right wing extremism is happening all over the world and its scary man, but drumkldee turnip was able to get into power thru hateful rhetoric but also like the united states system is really fucked up like thats a post for another day but wow thats some shit did u know they dont have an independent electoral commission?? fucks me up daily.
now pauline hanson and her party one nation is a fascist party. like i truly believe that and i want her and that climate change denier out of the senate immediately. but one nation is a minor party and the australian system tends to freeze out minor parties in the lower house, so the goverment for the forseeable future is either labor or liberal. in the senate the party has 3 seats, and the senate has equal power to the lower house (which whew thats a can of worms lemme tell ya god), but with 3 seats, any extreme legislation is bound to be shot down by like, everyone else, and while they might have some sway if they happen to hold a balance of power over some piece of legislation its… just unrealistic to call the australian parliament fascist.
i dont want to make light of one nation. i think its extremely concerning that this party exists. i think this represents the kind of extremism that australia is vulnerable to and it can also be seen in the reclaim australia movement, which.. is exactly what it sounds like.
and the response from that invertebrate turnbull and the libs abt dungle truffles racist ban has been disappointing and spineless (fuckin typical australian govt and its US arse kissing, one time during the cold war australia was like hey china were not just US puppets we wanna be bros with u and australia put so much effort into foreign policy with china and there was a visit from pres nixon or someone idk and good ole johnny gorton told him “we’ll go a waltzin’ with you” and undermined all diplomacy with china. fucking auspol,).
anyways so no one is safe from extreme racism and fascism at the moment. but seriously, calling australia a proto fascist country is just wrong, like i wont say “it wont happen here” but the united states as a democracy has been fucked up for a really long time and fascism gets into power thru exploitable systems, and australia at this very moment has stable foundation at least, like were having some shit issues with balances of power but if anything that means nothing is getting done in parliament, not that pauline hansons gonna become prime minister or some shit. its really important to me personally that people understand the australian system because i read up a lot about it and god its boring please for my sake if u have any questions please humour me and jump into my ask box
also please. PLEASE call your local member! find them here just type in ur suburb or postcode and click thru, send them letters, petition in ur local area. i live in bill shortens electorate and guess whose gonna #wastehistime2017 its me get ready william. ATTEND PROTESTS please attend protests, stay away from the socialist alternative, probably best to stay away from anything that says socialist unless uve done some research. JOIN AMNESTY here theyre doing some good work you can volunteer your time if you have it! stay vigilant, understand the system, dont buy the hearld sun
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(TEAM SKULL BATTLE THEME PLAYING LOUDLY AND MENACINGLY)
Friendly reminder that autistic children turn into autistic adults, that autism isn’t a childhood disorder that you grow out of and that it’s a big problem that the majority of autism-related services start and end in childhood. Autistic people are still autistic when they grow out of the services which exist for autistic children and it’s worrying how few autism-related services are geared towards autistic adults.
