Bach – no. just no. one time bach got into a fight with a bassonist over his bassoon part, and, i quote John Elliot Gardiner, “was forced to draw his sword and defend himself.” bassoon rage is terrifying, and bach was able to hold him off even though it was a surprise attack. don’t fight bach. you’ll lose. (plus if by some miracle you won, you’d have 18 children after you to avenge their father. do you really want small bachs chasing you the rest of your days?)
Handel – you could take handel probably. no killer instinct. do not let him get too close – he threatened to throw a singer out of a window once and could probably have carried through. take him down through attrition.
Haydn – you could absolutely take haydn. take him down quickly before he has a chance to trick you.
Mozart – depends. instrumentalists probably possess enough resentment to take him on easy. vocalists…could you really bring yourself to fight mozart? his arias are so nice. so flashy. so singable. go fight haydn instead. unless you’re a contralto. then absolutely fight mozart. fight everyone on this list.
Beethoven – DO NOT FIGHT BEETHOVEN. DO NOT FIGHT BEETHOVEN. DO NOT FIGHT BEETHOVEN. you will lose.
Rossini – absolutely fight rossini. you’ll win. easy.
Schubert – why would you want to fight schubert. he is a precious tiny forest spirit who just wants to compose lovely songs. the only person who is authorized to fight schubert is the accompanist who has just been asked to play erlkonig for the sixth time. and even they will feel bad afterwards. go fight rossini instead.
Berlioz – yes. fight berlioz. absolutely fight berlioz. sure, afterwards you won’t be able to brag that you defeated berlioz since no one outside of music knows who he is, but at least you’ll have a good victory on your hands.
Liszt – tough fight. liszt is 6 feet tall and has massive yaoi hands judging from his music. take him down from afar.
Chopin – please dont fight chopin. you’re better than that. it would be too easy. give yourself more of a challenge.
Brahms – this is a fight that you can win. just tell him you’re from the future and he never lived up to Beethoven’s name. don’t feel bad when he starts to cry. just take him down then and there.
Schumann – don’t do it. the problem is not robert himself, it’s the fact that clara will come after you. and she will beat you. this has nothing to do with you or your fighting abilities – if you fight robert schumann clara will find you and clara will end you.
Wagner – ABSOLUTELY FIGHT WAGNER. PLEASE fight wagner. I will pay literal, actual money to watch someone beat up wagner. you will get lots of help from everyone else in the music world including other composers. even if you have just fought them. everyone wants to see richard “dick” wagner taken down. the only person in the music world more utterly fightable than wagner is andrew lloyd webber.
Verdi – go fight wagner instead.
Stravinsky – do not fight stravinsky. he will fuck you up.
Mahler – the same fight as brahms, except even easier.
Schoenberg – schoenberg has nothing to lose. he will be vicious. he will fight to his last breath. and when you are standing over him, bloodied, he will look up at you. and he will thank you. you will carry a twinge of uneasiness around with you for the rest of your life. occasionally you will hear a tone row in the distance. do not listen, do not investigate, or schoenberg will have won after all.
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