Six incorrect theories proposed by aliens

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1. Humans have a variant language mode for use in the Winter, when normal commmunication becomes more difficult due to the muffling effect of their thick Winter coats. When this mode is enabled, rudimentary messages may be exchanged by barking and possibly also by the secretion of chemical-signalling mucus droplets.

2. Humans enjoy a symbiotic relationship with giant robots and can travel long distances held in the robots’ oral cavities. We hypothesise that, over time, the species have evolved together such that the robots are unable or unwilling to move without humans present: for example, they may make use of the humans’ body heat to kick-start their locomotive processes. What the humans get from this relationship is less clear. They may be carried many miles from their homes by the wandering of the robots and perhaps are able to access better or different foraging at these locations. In any case, they are usually able to identify the robot they were transported by and use it to make a return journey.

3. We believe humans originally evolved from water-dwelling animals. One piece of evidence in favour of this is that human dwellings often contain water vats in which they can perform water-related functions that remain from this evolutionary stage, for example equalising swim bladder pressure and venting internal gases.

4. Humans are one of the rare species to have at least partially made use of fire for their own aims. We believe this transformative experience has led to numerous flammable-material cults across the species. Many humans keep blocks of fire-starting material in their home even if they do not normally take on the fire-starting role. Closely examining fire-staring material is a socially-approved activity in public spaces. We believe these activities may have arisen from the need to make sure that these materials are not wet or contaminated with poisonous spores.

5. Human mating activity requires the complete or partial shedding of the outer skin layer. Interestingly, humans will often re-enter the shed skin layer after mating, perhaps to provide shelter from the elements while they regenerate a new skin underneath.

6. We believe that the species as a whole may be attracted to atmospheric vibrations. Humans can often be observed gathering in intensely-vibrating areas, particularly after nightfall. It may be that they have learned that such environments are uncomfortable for predator species and thus relatively safe. We have not yet determined why so many of the humans’ nest biomes are characterised by vibratory arenas.