why did the cake is a lie become the like most quoted portal thing when literally everything glados said was funnier
“Look, we both said a lot of things that *you’re* going to regret.”
“Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it. WELL I WONT LET YOU. how does that feel?”
“Nice job breaking it, hero”
“Look at you. sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle…piloting a blimp”
Like this bitch had a goldmine of good lines
“Maybe after you finish this test, I’ll let you take the elevator all the way up to the break room… and I’ll tell you about the time I saw the deer again.”
“It’s a mystery I’ll have to solve later. By myself. Because you’ll be dead.”
“Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noise– * really loud ass train horn* “I’m sorry, I don’t know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact.“
“Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I’m serious, that’s what it says: A horrible person. We weren’t even testing for that.”
“Don’t let that ‘horrible person’ thing discourage you. It’s just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother’s decision to abandon you on a doorstep.”
”Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I’m sorry. You didn’t react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That’s why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.“
“Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version- [unintelligible] There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I’ll be right back.”
“This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They’re the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That’s you in five seconds. Good luck.”
“That jumpsuit you’re wearing looks stupid. That’s not me talking, it’s right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks stupid. Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably – Oh, wait. It’s a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!”
“Oh, hi. How are you holding up? Because I’m a POTATO.”
”Remember, these exhibits ARE interactive. Like a children’s museum. So that means the pits of acid are filled with REAL acid. Like at a WELL FUNDED children’s museum.“
“Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber…. is looking pretty good.”
I’ve heard they actually had to rewrite a lot of her dialogue for the early part of Portal 2 to be more ridiculous and petty, as it was actually so on-point and vicious it was making playtesters not want to play the game.
“do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. do justly now. love mercy now. walk humbly now. you are not obligated to complete the work but neither are you free to abandon it.”
from the talmud
I have this permanently in the corner of the whiteboard in my room
I knew I’d seen it somewhere before, but I couldn’t figure out where!! Mystery solved.
I have been beside myself about the emergence of child concentration camps so I want to give a shout out to all the immigration attorneys doing your respective deity’s work right now
How can the rest of us best support you? I know of RAICES and KIND, and am trying to find the best local legal services groups to donate to
Update, friends–
My law school just emailed alums a bunch of information if we’re interested in helping immigrant families who have been separated at the border.
Here’s the gist.
Opportunities to assist with family separation:
Immigration Justice Campaign (**for attorneys only** powered by the American Immigration Council and American Immigration Lawyers Association)
Donate to organizations that have hosted Pro Bono Caravans and/or In-House Pro Bono Projects and are assisting immigrant families and unaccompanied minors:
KIND – Kids in Need of Defense https://supportkind.org/ They are supporting kids directly at the border and beyond through legal and social services.
RAICES is a nonprofit that provides free and low-cost legal services to immigrant children, families and refugees in Texas. Donate generally or specifically to the RAICES bond fund: https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/bondfund
If you would report an undocumented immigrant to ICE you would have reported me to the Nazis and I don’t fucking trust you
A note:
I live in a state where you “have to” report anyone you suspect of being undocumented (that wonderful hellhole of Arizona). Now in practice this law has fallen far short, thank goodness. But if you live in such a place and they start enforcing it, here is how you get around it:
Assume everyone who doesn’t speak English is visiting.
Never ask about their job, because if they tell you they work here then you know they’re not visiting. You see them a lot for several weeks or months? Hm. Someone in the family must be ill. That’s terribly tough. They always dress in old, ratty laborers’ clothes? I feel you, my dude, I can’t afford new clothes either, and my dad has the fashion sense of an aardvark, so sometimes it’s not even about “affording” them. They say they’ve been here for years? You must have misunderstood. Spanish isn’t your first language, after all. First and last name? It never came up, or you don’t recall–you meet a lot of people.
And then, if you’re asked: no, you haven’t seen anyone residing illegally in the United States. Just people visiting.
The really hilarious thing about Homestuck as a media franchise is that it’s successfully transformed itself into a completely straight example of the exact genre of media it was originally made to parody.
Let’s back up 35 years. Before sports sims, before MMOs, before first-person shooters, the new hotness in gaming was a genre that explored widely varying settings, but always with a curiously similar premise: you’d be trapped in a familiar location for some contrived, bullshit reason, and would have to devise an equally contrived, bullshit means of escape, typically by solving moon-logic inventory puzzles. Some games would change up the objectives from time to time, but they’d always return to the basic room-escape (or building-escape, or island-escape, etc.) framework for large parts of their length.
At the time, these games were known simply as “adventure games”, though in contemporary parlance this is often expanded to “point-and-click adventure games” in order to distinguish them from their purely text-driven predecessors and more action-oriented descendants. For a solid decade, point-and-click adventure games were the unstoppable 900-pound gorilla of PC gaming, far and away the most popular genre by sales, with the more challenging – some would say “obtuse” – examples of the type serving as badges of gamer pride in much the same way that being into, say, Dark Souls clones does today.
(The genre would abruptly vanish from both the sales charts and public consciousness during the mid 1990s for a variety of reasons, among them market oversaturation, competition from newer genres like first-person shooters, and also a whole lot of corporate sexism, but that’s another story!)
To the subject at hand, if that description sounds familiar to you, there’s a couple of reasons why that should be so:
1. It’s the genre of games that Andrew Hussie made his name parodying, first with his early interactive webcomics like Jailbreak and Problem Sleuth, and later with the opening acts of Homestuck itself.
2. It’s also the exact genre that Hiveswap occupies.
It’s my experience that a lot of younger gamers are under the impression that Hiveswap is some sort of exercise in turning the metatexual weirdness of Homestuck’s early acts into a working game engine, but nope – it’s just a totally straight example of the exact pre-existing genre that Homestuck was making fun of in the first place.
