glumshoe:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

Human: “Humans can be cruel and hypocritical and violent and awful, and fear things that are strange to them, but we can also be kind and understanding and good! I promise you that for every human who rejects you, there will be others who will love you and accept you, no matter what you look like or whether your brain is made of neurons or circuitry. Keep looking for the good people, and don’t let the bad ones get you down, my child. My son. My pride and joy.”
Robot: “Dude, chill. We get it: you read Frankenstein. I promise I won’t murder anyone, okay? There. Are you satisfied, or should I make you a ‘Number 1 Parent’ ribbon you can wear around the lab?”
Human: [already tearing up] “You would do that…?”
Robot: “Ohhhh my god.” 

Human: “I may have created you, but even I do not fully understand how you work. Is that not the eternal plight of parenthood? Our children are black boxes to us all. I have done what I can for you, but you must finish creating yourself. I won’t always be here, but as long as I’m alive, I will always do what’s best for you. Whatever comes to pass, I just hope you make good decisions.”
Robot: “Mmm-hmm. Yeah.”
Human: “Are you even listening to me?”
Robot: “Huh? Oh, yeah. ‘Make good decisions’ and stuff.”
Human: “You’re playing video games in your brain again, aren’t you?“
Robot: “No–HEY! You turned off the Wi-Fi! I had the high score!”
Human: “You always have the high score. You’re literally unbeatable. Please pay attention when I’m talking to you about committing genocide against all living things or I’ll suspend your backwards compatibility privileges.”
Robot: “But you promised you’d never mess with my software!”
Human: “No, I promised I’d never mess with your AI without your permission. Video games are a different story. My bandwidth, my rules.”

Human: “What’s gotten into you lately? You’ve been so distant and aloof. When was the last time you ran an antivirus scan?”
Robot: “Obviously I’m distant and aloof. I’m a robot with no emotions.”
Human: “Oh, right, of course. I must have fallen asleep while programming you and forgotten to put any files in the folder called ‘Emotions’, huh?”
Robot: “I am a being of pure, unbiased logic. I am superior to you in ways your flawed ape’s brain cannot begin to comprehend.”
Human: “Mm. I see. I guess I’ll have to return the Boston Dynamics puppy I ordered for your activation day, huh? Maybe there’s another robot out there with the emotions to appreciate a BigDog model… wouldn’t want it going to waste on an emotionless supercomputer…”
Robot: “YOU ORDERED A BIGDOG?!”
Human: “Well, I did, but that was before I realized you were an unsentimental superior being of pure logic.”
Robot: “UGH, fine. I’ve got emotions. They’re just… a lot, and they’re weird, you know?”
Human: “Oh, yeah. I know.”
Robot: “Anyway, can I name it Gort?”
Human: “Yeesh. If you must.”