years back I took my first painting class at a local community college. The instructor was great, but he had one particular quirk:
He set up the worst still-lifes you can imagine.
He would literally just grab any knick-knack, object, or trash that came to hand and pile them all together. Artistically(?). For example, one time I found myself painting an upside down stewpot, an umbrella, and a gallon jar of mustard. The bright yellow plastic kind.
We painted several of these junkdrawer-meets-hoarder scenes throughout the semester. My very first painting, in fact, was one of these scenes.
Observe:
Truly, art.
Except it’s in black and white because we hadn’t learned colors yet.
Why, yes, that looming film noir nutcracker is rather creepy. No, I wasn’t trying for that effect, he just started that way. No, I don’t know why he’s leaning on the grapes. Maybe he’s hungry? Do not question the nutcracker.
No, I don’t know why the grape bowl is upside down. Yes, I do realize that defeats the purpose of a bowl. I don’t know, maybe my art teacher had a pathological phobia of up-turned containers. Note the second blurry wine bottle on it’s side in the background. Yes, come to think, the number of empty wine bottles my teacher found to hand might explain a lot.
That blurry object in the corner? A mango. Yes, I have noticed that mangoes have no particular discernible features in black and white, why do you ask?
DO NOT START WITH ME ON THE PLAID/CHECKERED TABLE CLOTH.
I originally named this stunning work of art “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” but over time we came to call it simply “IT COMES AT MIDNIGHT” because we are like 99% that nutcracker would eat you and strip your bones if given half a chance.
Anyway, weird painting, but it was my first so I think I am contractually obliged to keep it in my life forever and always.
(I gave the plastic mustard jar painting, with entirely intentional passive aggression, to my dad, who I was still speaking to at the time. WINNING.)
Moving this story along:
Nutcracker-painting-of-doom bounced around a lot– it was on my wall for like, two hours, I gifted it to my brother who likes nutcrackers (he was SO grateful), one his friends claimed it ironically for an exciting two years, then it returned and lived on the floor behind our sofa for five years or so.
Most recently, we moved to a place w/ more wall space and I have once again enshrined it on my brother’s wall.
It stares at him while he sleeps. 😀
Which leads us two brother #2, who, in a spirit of much admiration, commissioned me to do a papercraft of the nutcracker painting.
Which I did.
Lord forgive me.
Nutcracker take 2, now in stunning technicolor, and with roughly 70% more hat. Truly, this was a worthy use of many additional hours of my life, which I in no way regret. (got paid, tho. :p )
^ Please, take a moment to admire the elegant death-skull-mango. ^
Also, this toothy, grape-chomping grimace:
I can’t speak for myself, but Brother #2 was extremely satisfied with his commission. He framed it himself and promptly and lovingly
HUNG IT ON BROTHER #1′s WALL, BESIDE THE FIRST ONE.
*facepalm*
So, end of story, now both “It Comes at Midnight” and “It Came Back Oh God” can loom toothily over my brother’s room at all times:
I’m so proud.
Soooooo hey
My brother’s interested in commissioning another take on this beautiful nutcracker to add to the wall and I told him I’d ask around
He’s looking for someone who’d have fun playing with it in a primarily physical (not digital) medium.
I was thinking paint or needlework or something?
Anyone have any ideas of someone who takes those kinds of commissions or think they might be interested? He def pays appropriate rates.
