MY BROTHER TRIED TO MAKE RICE IN A POT AND ENDED UP BURNING EVERYTHING AND NOW IT’S JUST THIS YELLOW MASS OF ROCK-HARD MATTER AND WE COULDN’T EVEN OPEN THE POT FOR THE FIRST TEN MINUTES BECAUSE SMOKE WOULD TRIGGER THE ALARMS AND THE POT WOULD RELEASE THE SOUND OF A TRAIN WHISTLE
“WHY DID YOU NOT USE THE RICE COOKER?” I ASKED
“I DON’T KNOW,” HE RESPONDED
WE HAVE EVERY FAN IN THE HOUSE TURNED ON AND YET EVERYTHING STILL SMELLS LIKE THE INDUSTRIAL AGE, MY BROTHER HAS STARTED BREATHING THROUGH A BLANKET AND MAKING TERRIBLE JOKES LIKE “I FAILED TO RICE TO THE OCCASION” I’M SO BELLIGERENT
Asians.
Tumblr user rantingallday sighed in contentment, reclining in their seat. They clicked “reblog” with their left hand, their right hand having been stuck firmly inside their asshole after an unfortunate masturbatory experiment in the sixth grade.
“Asians,” they thought with a chuckle. “And rice. Am I funny or what?”
Adjusting themselves in their chair to better accompany the fist in their sphincter, they used their free hand to caress a poster of Seth Green mounted on the wall of their mother’s basement.
“Perhaps now… Perhaps now he will love me…”