Conversations with Gandalf could be a real pain in the ass
Okay I’ve got to say it: between this and the bit where he’s all, “Hey, Radigast, chill it out, have a toke,” I SUPER want a Pineapple Express AU now. In which Gandalf is Bilbo’s dealer, and all Bilbo ever really wants to do is go to his place, pick up some weed, and be on his way, but he can’t do that, because he doesn’t even know where Gandalf lives, because Gandalf just APPEARS when Biblo’s running low on smoke to be like, “Hey mannnnn, when you say ‘What’s up,’ do you mean the colloquial sense, like, you know, ‘How are you?’ or whatever? Or are we talking like, ‘What is above us?’ because that’s like, a totally different question, you know? That’s the sky, bro. That’s what’s up. And like, stars. How about we toke up for six hours, you didn’t have anything to do today, right?” And it drives Biblo OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND, but he also can’t bring himself to sever the relationship because a) a good dealer is hard to find and b) Gandalf does deliver, even if he overstays his welcome and c) Bilbo’s never found better green anywhere in his entire goddamn life.
And then one day Gandalf rolls in rocking his wizard robe and hat and Bilbo is like, “I read about something like this on the internet once and I didn’t like it at all.” But then Gandalf just wants to toke, and as they’re toking all these dwarves start showing up, and Gandalf is like “They’re clients!” and somebody points at Bifur and is like, “He needs medical marijuana!” and Kili is like, “Me too! I have a medical condition too!” and Fili is like, “Uh, yeah, bullshit-itis, dude. It’s totally a thing, look it up.” And meanwhile Bilbo is running around all, “DON’T EAT MY COOL RANCH DORITOS THOSE ARE FOR LATER” and “IF YOU SPILL BONG WATER ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S PILLOW I WILL KILL YOU, SO HELP ME,” while Gandalf chills on the couch benevolently surveying the chaos. And then I guess eventually Thorin shows up in a steal your face shirt and a bandana holding his hair back and is all, “We have to go take our greenhouse back from this asshole Smaug,” and probably on the way they run into Thranduil tripping balls on a street corner and yelling about he’s the king of everyone while he makes himself a crown out of sticks.
In summary: this movie is doing terrible things to me, help.