glumshoe:

I’m plotting a hostile takeover of DC Comics with @kuttithevangu and we’re going to start writing Batman ourselves. Here are some of our plans:

–The Joker Goes to Clown College. The Joker has become tediously overused, unfunny, and ludicrously dark and gritty. He’s so fucking boring that we’re putting a ban on stories in which he’s a major villain for several years. In the meantime, Dick Grayson starts visiting him in Arkham with very special visitors in tow: professional clowns from Haly’s Circus. They offer constructive criticism and then help him get accepted to a four-year clown college, where he can get a degree in clowning, improve his comedy potential, and learn to execute jokes with fewer executions. Clown college in this world is just like regular university so The Joker has to like… write essays on Buster Keaton and stuff. [Alternative: The Joker accidentally turns himself into a hamster (with a Joker face) and has to live in a cage in the Batcave while they research ways to turn him back.]

–New Original Character: Brad. Damian Wayne isn’t Bruce’s only illegitimate biological son! Brad is a perfectly normal, well-adjusted teenager whose mother had a one-night stand with Bruce at a party years ago. Brad decides to reach out to his biological playboy father after tabloids confirm a paternity test. Damian finds this very threatening but there’s nothing he can do about it because Brad is an oblivious civilian who only visits every few weeks and has no idea that his father and half-siblings are vigilantes. 

–Tim Drake Gets What He Deserves. Tim has been written darker and grittier with every passing year, a far cry from the fun dweeb he was when first introduced. As he becomes more and more like Bruce, he picks up another of his mentor’s traits: the ability to attract plucky youngsters who insist on cheering him up. Previous unsuccessful attempts to introduce Carrie Kelley to the main DC canon are scrapped; she’s BACK and she’s a 14 year old tacky gay genderfluid snoop who figures out his identity and passionately believes that Red Robin needs a Burger King, or something. She gets what she wants and she wants to play DnD. HOW THE TURNS HAVE TABLED, TIMOTHY.

–Batfamily camping trip. IDK, maybe Brad is responsible for this. It goes poorly because no one (except perhaps Babs) has any experience in legitimate outdoor recreation beyond hardcore wilderness survival. 

–#batmanchallenge. The Batman Challenge starts trending and young people start coming to Gotham in an attempt to get Batman to punch them on video. Jason Todd gets in on it. 

–The Secret Life of Alfred Pennyworth. Alfred has a whole secret social life that Bruce doesn’t know about because he has never once contemplated that Alfred is a sexual being with considerable game. He’s very popular among the ladies at the bridge club and Old People Who Love Shakespeare Club, which is for old people.