hey everyone, so i get a lot of people asking me what they can avoid saying so that they don’t bother trans people so i figured i’d make a post about it with some explanations!
- “you’re a hotter boy/girl than i am and i’m cis!”
- while this might be said with good intentions, all it does is remind us that we don’t have the body that we want. in addition, it supports the idea that a trans person has to pass as the gender that they identify as in order to be accepted
- alternatives: anything that doesn’t include gender; “you’re so attractive!” “you look great!”
- “what’s your birth name?”
- this is a question a lot of people have, and while it’s understandable that you’re curious, this is actually a very harmful question to ask. making a trans person think of their birth name can trigger dysphoria, especially if it’s a stranger that asks
- alternatives: this should just be avoided, if you’re close enough with a trans person they’ll probably tell you anyway but let them do that at their own pace. it’s not your place to ask
- “so do you have a dick/vagina?”
- on top of being incredibly rude (would you ask a cis person this? would you ask your teacher? your neighbor?), this can trigger dysphoria because it can remind them of their former genitals or the fact that they haven’t transitioned yet
- alternatives: this is none of your business. if a trans person wants to tell you they will; let them take it at their own pace.
- “”which bathroom do you use?”
- a lot of trans people may not be comfortable using the bathroom of the gender they identify as. if somebody isn’t able to use the bathroom they’d like (either for legal reasons or because it isn’t safe to) it’s their business and their business alone
- alternatives: if you know somebody is transgender but is worried about using the bathroom of the gender that they identify as, make sure to let them know that it’s perfectly okay to do. let them know that there are people who won’t judge them for using the bathroom they want to use
- “if you did _______ you’d look more masculine/feminine”
- i’m sure there are thousands of things you could do to make your expression match your gender as well. however, your appearance doesn’t dictate your gender at all and reminding a trans person of a vestigial feature can trigger dysphoria. additionally, it supports gender stereotypes so please avoid saying this
- alternatives: if you think a trans person would look good with a specific look and you want to recommend it to them, that’s fine, but leave the gender out of it. there’s a world of difference between “you’d look great with bangs” and “you’d look more like a girl with bangs”
- “so you’re a boy/girl now”
- all this does is remind us of the fact that we weren’t born with the body that we want. additionally, your sex doesn’t dictate your gender at all. just because you’ve gotten surgery doesn’t mean you’re any less of the gender you identify as than you were before your transition
- alternatives: again this is just one to avoid
- “can i still call you ____ (gendered nickname)”
- trans people are constantly asked if it’s alright for people to refer to them by their old name or pronouns, and for a lot of us it’s difficult to say no. don’t put us in this position and use the pronouns and names we ask you to please
- alternatives: this is a tough on because it can be hard to remember at first but just try your best. that’s all we ask
- “it’ll be hard for me to remember to use your new name/pronoun”
- while it is understandably difficult, when you say something like this it just sounds like “i’m going to say this to you so that i don’t have to try to use the pronouns and names you ask me to use.”
- alternatives: if you mess up a pronoun, apologize and move on. do not make a big deal out of it, especially in public, because it makes us feel guilty too when you apologize for using the wrong one. simply apologize, say the correct pronoun, and move on.
- “how do you have sex?”
- the same way you do?? this is a rude and invasive question that you would never ask a cis person, so why would you ask a trans one? additionally, some trans people do not like having sex, and to ask something like this can make them feel very uncomfortable. trans people are already sexualized enough, please don’t contribute to that
- alternatives: this one should just be common sense. don’t ask stuff like this
- “how did you look before you transitioned?”
- this, like any other question that forces a trans person to think about their life before transitioning, can trigger dysphoria. if a trans person wants to show you, let them lead. it’s their choice when and how or if they do it and you need to respect that
- alternatives: if you see a picture of somebody before they’ve transitioned, do NOT bring up the fact that they don’t look like that anymore. it can be tricky, but just try to follow their lead, they’ll set the tone for what is or isn’t okay for you to say
I hope this was informative! if you have any more questions you aren’t sure about, message me and i’ll add them to this list!
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