I’m going to pose a question to you. It’s quite simple really.
Are you a rapist?
I’m assuming the answer is a resounding no, since in response to the tragic mass shooting in California over the weekend you immediately had to remind us all that NOT ALL MEN hate and assault women. In response to a man who hated women so much he went on a shooting spree as ‘retribution’ for them rejecting him, you had to get out and start a hashtag to defend men.
But how sure are you that are one of those men? How sure are you that you’ve never sexually assaulted a woman, whether you meant to or not? Are you 100% sure?
The person who sexually assaulted me has no clue that is what he did. At the time I didn’t even think about the words ‘sexual assault’ in relation to what happened to me. But at the time of the incident, and afterward, I did not want it to be happening. I was 17, had been drinking and he was my boyfriend. I didn’t say no, I just lay there unresponsive, wishing it would stop. I never told anyone what happened.
I doubt he even remembers that night, but I can’t forget it.
The stories are the same for so many women.
From the girl who was worn down so much by the constant manipulation by her boyfriend that she finally said yes, to the woman too drunk to resist, to the mother who only sleeps with her husband out of fear of further abuse.
You could be that man. You may not have meant it, or realised it, but someone could have left a sexual encounter with you feeling assaulted or violated without you ever having known it. It’s possible you actually are #yesallmen.
But then, how do we stop this occurring?
On Sunday night, the feminist writer and speaker Clementine Ford gave a talk at the Australian National University on affirmative consent. She spoke about how consent is discussed in the wrong way, that consent is considered the absence of a no.
The opposite of no isn’t the absence of it being said. The opposite is someone saying yes.
Clementine asked the women in the room to raise their hands if they had ever been verbally abused or harassed in public by men. Almost every woman in the room raised her hand. These men wouldn’t give a second thought to how their catcalls and verbal abuse affects the women subjected to it. They see it as ‘just a bit of fun’ whilst women feel scared and threatened. They have no understanding of the fear associated with
I understand the feeling of needing to defend yourself. You think you’re a good guy. You would never do that.
“I’ve never physically harmed a woman in my life #NotAllMen” – @JustinLyft
“Eliot Rodgers was a lunatic. He would of killed any group that he felt mistreated him #notallmen” – @MikeyManker
“People don’t realize that men hate rapists as much as women do. Like even other prisoners hate them, so not all men are the problem.” – @bloomsburgprep
Redefine your definition of rape. Rape isn’t always physically violence. Women aren’t always attacked in the street and left bruised. Sexual assault is where there is an absence of consent. How many times have you had that absence of a no?
So think about it now. How sure are you that you’re not a rapist?
90%? 80%? Less?
Lauren
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