JKR said that Hagrid still works at Hogwarts in 2017, which means he’s still been alive these past few decades, and I just really hope someone took him to see How to Train Your Dragon.
that someone’s name is charlie weasley and they both cried
Hi my name is Emily Faulk’ner Prudence Christianity Twain and I have long ebony black hair, dark like the degraded soil outside of my family’s decaying manor where nothing will grow any longer, and icy blue eyes like my grandfather, who always went out the night before people talked about finding another lynching. A lot of people tell me I look like Flannery O’Connor (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Mark twain but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie, and papa always told me that everyone in our town was related somehow and that was okay, because better marry your cousin than one of those outsiders who pass through our town looking down at us in their shoes. I’m a Southerner but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I don’t toss and turn at night haunted by the knowledge that out further into the woods on our estate are the graves of my family’s former slaves. I’m a Southern goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly gingham. I love my mom’s spinning wheel and I make all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing the reminders of my family’s old glory spun into a cotton dress that reminds me of a time I never knew where we were still prosperous and the servants took care of our home, before the vines grew up over the side of our mansion and consumed the walls like our entire legacy had been reclaimed from the soul we took our glory from. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about, because the sun offered no protection from evil and all the worst terrors happened in broad daylight, like what happened to the older McKinley girl when I was younger. A lot of outsiders stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
the whole yule ball thing in goblet of fire was so dumb and heteronormative
ok but real talk i am in full support of harry just asking ron to the dance with him and being each others “date” and having that be an ok thing instead of asking and then ignoring the poor patil twins who deserved better than that also i would have killed to see a yule ball scene where hermione’s talking with krum and turns around and sees her two best friends trying to do the tango (ron has a rose in his mouth and everything) and fucking tearing up the dance floor
“So,” Harry says. “I need a date to the Yule Ball.”
“Like. A mandatory date?”
“A mandatory date.”
“That’s kinda messed up.”
“Yeah. Any ideas?”
Ron rubs his chin. “Cho didn’t work out, then.”
“Nope. She’s with Cedric.”
“Right, right.” He’s stroking an imaginary beard now. “And Hermione is going with some mystery guy.”
Both boys scowl in unison.
Then, slowly, they turn to look at each other.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Harry asks.
“If you’re thinking we go to the ball together, then yes,” Ron affirms.
Harry has his game face on. So does Ron. “Let’s do this.” They shake on it.
Ron suddenly frowns.
“What?”
“My dress robes are hideous. You think…”
“I can buy—”
“What? No! I mean, isn’t Parvati Patil really good at clothing charms?”
“Oh yeah,” Harry realizes. “She wears those cool dresses on the weekends sometimes—uh, saris? Or something.”
“Yeah, yeah, but she and her sister make them. I heard Lavender talking to her about it. They make loads of their own clothes, think it’s fun or whatever.”
Harry makes a face. “Girls.” He’s mended enough of Dudley’s old clothes to know sewing is not fun. Girls are weird.
“Girls,” Ron agrees.
“…it’s a really good thing we’re going together.”
“Seconded.”
——and that’s how Harry and Ron befriend Lavender Brown and the Patil sisters. The three are actually pretty alright, for girls. (Hermione doesn’t count, clearly, as she’s their best friend.) It takes a while to fix Ron’s robes into something resembling modern fashion, but by then Dean Thomas has Had Enough of Their Dithering and makes the two of them wear three-piece muggle suits under their robes (which also took some creative charmwork, and the jackets were a total loss, but it came out better than the robes overall). Lavender is entirely taken with the idea and the two spend a good few hours discussing fashion.
Harry and Ron are Not Touching That.
Naturally, the two lord the anonymity of their dates over Hermione just like she’s taken to doing to the two of them, and it morphs into a great circle of fun, no hard feelings anywhere by the time the Ball comes around, and basically the whole of Gryffindor (plus Padma of Ravenclaw) is in on one side or the other.
Fred and George have decided it’s a great idea and have invited Lee Jordan to go with the two of them. Not to be outdone, Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet are bringing Katie Bell. Rumor has it that Oliver Wood is bringing quidditch gear. Which piece of gear he’s bringing, broom, quaffle, bludger, or goal hoop (don’t ask) is a hot topic of debate.
(He actually ends up bringing a whole host of underclassmen and spends the whole night giving out piggyback rides, dad-dances with them standing on his feet, and lessons about the magic used to decorate the hall, alongside Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater, because they gave him the puppy eyes and he is Weak to the puppy eyes.)
——and when Hermione sees Harry and Ron come into the antechamber for champions, she hits them both on the arm for laughing at her all this time. They exchange compliments, and the boys show off their suits and Ron’s modified robes. Then she asks the real question, namely:
“Which of you will be dancing which part?”
and the two just kind of go quiet and stare first at each other, because they hadn’t even thought of that, and then back at Hermione with big pleading eyes begging for help.
McGonagall, amused but on a tight schedule, chivvies the champions and their dates out before Hermione can say more than a joking, “This is what you get for keeping it a secret from me! Do, hahaha, do the tango or something!”
Harry and Ron exchange smirks and all Hermione can bring herself to do is smother giggles in Viktor’s shoulder and conjure them a few roses.
She should’ve known better than to think that the end of it. They drag her into no few ridiculous three-way dances before the night is up. It’s a good night, and they share the next bleary morning with the rest of the dorm, as a big, wild, Gryffindor family.
——and that is how Harry Potter and Ron Weasley made the front page of the Daily Prophet, in muggle suits (vests but no jackets, sleeves rolled up) with roses in their mouths, aggressively doing the tango. The photographer has captured Harry dipping the significantly-taller Ron and waggling his eyebrows suggestively before they both lose their balance and collapse in a tangle of adolescent limbs, laughing like loons.
BOYS IN LOVE? the headline asks.
——certain people are getting really, really sick of people commenting on Harry’s love life.
——"BEST FRIENDS FOREVER" Harry, Ron, and Hermione are quoted later in an exclusive interview with Rita Skeeter, massive grins on their photographed faces, and joy in their hearts.
I have this theory that Neville is supposed to represent everything that Peter could have been. You know, both of them were the weak link in the friend group, the guy easily influenced. But instead, Rowling made Neville weak to prove the two paths an individual could take. How each of our weaknesses manifest in different ways. Peter’s weakness made him a villain, ultimately worse than Voldemort because he betrayed his friends, while Neville’s weakness made him work harder and in the end made him Harry’s strongest ally.
Harry = James, Ron = Sirius, Hermione = Remus, Neville = Peter, Ginny = Lily, Luna = Snape.
You will notice that none of the six from the old generation survived. The kids each have traits from the old generation but they’re here to fix the past, and thus must survive the series to metaphorically right the past. Some may raise their eyebrows at Luna as Snape, but just as Harry represents James (the popular kid who was good at quidditch, but didn’t become arrogant like his father) or like Peter and Neville (two people who could have been cowards, but Neville rises to life’s challenges) Luna mirrors Snape in being mocked, a pariah, Looney Lovegood and Snivellus. Instead of being resentful, she rose above it, and loved herself regardless.
If you went with Harry to the Ministry of Magic in book 5, you mattered beyond just backing him up against Voldemort. This core six represented the loss and failure of the Marauders generation, and the hopes of a post-Voldemort future.
Holy shit
WAIT!
Might I suggest every single thing from the above except
Harry = Sirius
Ron = James
Harry was the boy who grew up in an unloved house that was neglectful at best, abusive at worst, but eventually went to Hogwarts, was sorted into Gryffindor despite the odds of being in Slytherin, and found a new family in a group of friends.
Ron was the brave adventurous boy who grew up in a loving household (that was pureblood but quirky/uninterested in social norms), a boy who took in this raggedy abused kid as his brother, a boy whose family accepted said brother as one of their own without hesitation. (And on the ‘foil’ side, Ron represents the opposite of James as well, being a self-conscious poor kid compared to James’ arrogant rich side. Two sides of the same coin.)
Ron: Hey Harry?
Harry: What
Ron: Do you think Voldemort was a virgin?
Harry: Seriously Ron-
Ron: I was just wondering-
Harry: *sighs* *pauses* In the Chamber of Secrets, the memory had him in 5th year…
yeah, he wasn’t a virgin
Seamus: Imagine being the lass to do the frick-frack with ol’ Dark Lord Voldy
Dean: The Gryffindor boy’s dorm; the place where we can talk about sex with the Dark Lord but not say the word sex.
Seamus: *throws pillow at Dean*
Neville: *after pause* Doing the Do with You Know Who.
Ron: He Who Must Not Be Laid
Why they never talk about no magic home ec class in Hogwarts.
Clearly they have spells for it.
Molly Weasley has knitting needles going, and while house elves do the cooking at Hogwarts presumably they use some magic there to keep up with the giant work load, and iirc, Molly uses magic to cook.
So, where the home ec class at. Where the muggleborns with dread in their eyes thinking it’ll be a normal like, cooking class, [Harry all excited thinking he’s gonna ace this class or at least do alright, since he cooked for the Dursley’s], and then the first half the first class is a lesson about how you’ve got to earn the respect of your measuring spoons. Otherwise they’ll argue with you on how much has to go into a recipe. Harry has a kind of tentative conversation with his and they work with him after he realized they were an older set used to students forcing them to work for them. Talks to them gently and asks if they think a little more or little less should go into a recipe, or if they think he should add an ingredient now and then because they’ve made the same thing over, and over. Harry trying to make Molly a sweater in return for the one he got because he doesn’t know what to do with having gotten gifts, and only really managing a rather lengthy and oddly tensioned scarf made from the best yarn he could find out of a catalog he found on the shelf in the classroom. The professor was just delighted he’d decided to keep at knitting and crocheting [he may have… mixed the two] after they’d finished the unit, to make a gift.
Where’s Hermione having a long drawn out conversation with the home ec professor about how it’s ridiculous to devote magic to knitting when you can do it by hand, and the professor countering about the time saved by simply using enchanted needles or a charm. The conversation takes up the entire period but a teacher actually takes Hermione seriously for once because effective division of effort/time is a very important skill to learn and it’s what they’re there to teach. Wheres Ron answering all the questions like a fucking CHAMP because managing in his family has basically made his ass a pro at everything– budgeting a vault? On it. Spelling how many cauldrons to feed how many people with how much food? On lock like it’s fucking Azkaban. Best herbs and plants to grow for general– he has already finished the worksheet/in-class essay that was on the board and is fucking around with his quill. He gets called on, his string bean ass gonna have the answer while kinda being shocked at himself that he actually does, because– like many poor ass people– we manage resources really damn well when we know what we have. And we very rarely let it get away from us.
Where’s the rich-ass purebloods that know finances and shit because they’re taking over family blood-line affairs when their older and their parents drilled that into their heads, but can’t cook/sew/anything else to save their life till they learn. Where was Oliver Wood trying to make Healthy Food Things for the quidditch team for Extra Energy and just making a mess. The Twins making a totally harmless banana pudding and selling it in their store and NO ONE KNOWING WHAT IT DOES, everyone panicking because they’re SURE they did something.
I have though about this extensively. EXTENSIVELY. I have wondered if animagi can only turn into animals that they are familiar with, or are animals native to the regions where they live. Imagine living in the UK and turning into a hippo or something. How could that ever be helpful?
For people who are wondering, this is a way that Remus Lupin’s life could’ve been EVEN SHITTIER than it was.
“I can’t believe you guys did this for me! You could’ve mentioned it!”
“Nah Moony, we wanted it to be a surprise,” Sirius said with a smile.
“Yeah, we can be mysterious too,” James grinned.
“I can’t wait to see what we transform into,” Peter chimed in excitedly.
Remus stood in anticipation as he watched his friends begin to work the complex animagus transformation. His eyes wide, his mouth open, he soon found himself standing in a room with a somewhat agitated elephant, a snapping lobster, and a really f*cking pissed off shark.
“Well….shit,” Remus muttered.
And thus was born Moony, Stampy, Pinchy, and Jaws.
I love when @fleamontpotter turns the weird bullshit in my head into awesome comics.
imagine the series exactly the same except these are true animagus forms of the marauders.
ron has a pet lobster instead of a rat.
harry sees an elephant instead of a dog that night he leaves privet drive. similarly crookshanks is seen hanging out with an elephant on hogwarts grounds at night.
james potter gets drunk one night and decides to battle the giant squid in his shark form to win lily’s affections.
‘jaws flopped again last night’
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Sirius, Dumbledore said no!” A large grey elephant had appeared at Harry’s side as Harry clambered over the various trunks cluttering the hall to get to Mrs. Weasley. “Oh honestly,” said Mrs. Weasley despairingly. “Well, on your own head be it!” The great great grey elephant gave a joyful trumpet and gamboled around them, waving its trunk wildly, and chasing its own tail. Harry couldn’t help laughing. Sirius had been trapped inside for a very long time.”
I’ll see you, and I’ll raise you these:
“My God,” said Lupin softly, staring from Scabbers to the picture in the paper and back again. “His front claw…”
“What about it?” said Ron defiantly.
“He’s got a pincer missing,” said Black.
“Of course,” Lupin breathed. “So simple…so brilliant…he cut it off himself?”
“Just before he transformed,” said Black. “When I cornered him, he yelled for the whole street to hear that I’d betrayed Lily and James. Then, before I could curse him, he blew apart the street with the wand behind his back, killed everyone within twenty feet of himself–and scuttled down into the sewer with the other lobsters.”
“There was a huge sewer lobster problem that year,” Hermione gasped, eyes wide. “I read about it in Weird histories: London in the 1980s.”
* * * *
“If I’m proud of anything I’ve done this year, it’s how much you’ve learned…Tell me about your Patronus.”
“How d’you know about that?” said Harry, distracted.
“What else could have driven the dementors back?”
Harry told Lupin what had happened. When he’d finished, Lupin was smiling again.
“Yes, your father was always a really f*cking pissed off shark when he transformed,” he said. “You guessed right…that’s why we called him Jaws. That and he liked to terrorize punters on the River Cam.”
* * * *
“Your father is alive in you, Harry, and shows himself most plainly when you have need of him. How else could you produce that particular Patronus? Jaws awkwardly flopped around again last night.”
It took a moment for Harry to realize what Dumbledore had said.
“Last night Sirius told me all about how they became Animagi,” said Dumbledore, smiling. “An extraordinary achievement–not least, keeping it quiet from me. And then I remembered the most unusual form your Patronus took, when it air swam Mr. Malfoy down at your Quidditch match against Ravenclaw. That was pretty f*cking dope, by the way. Little shit deserved it.”
* * * *
And then the source of the light stepped out from behind an oak. It was a silver-white lady shark, moon-bright and dazzling, propelling itself over the ground, still silent, and leaving no trace in the fine powdering of snow. She swam up toward him, her beautiful head with its serrated, many rows of teeth glistening.
Harry stared at the creature, filled with wonder, not at her strangeness, but at her inexplicable familiarity. Perhaps he had seen her previously, during Shark Week programming.
* * * *
“But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?”
“For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”
From the tip of his wand swam forth the lady shark: She landed on the floor, darted strangely across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her flail away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears. Not of sadness though.
“After all this time?” he said, trying not to bust out laughing.
what’s the betting that potterwatch was just a radio project lee jordan was doing in his spare time and never actually stopped after the war
“Harry Potter was spotted at the local farmers market today, good choices in produce Harry! Gotta love the organics”
he’s the only reporter harry will talk to other than giving official statements when he has to as an auror
“I’m speaking to Harry Potter today after the long-awaited conclusion of the trial of quadruple murderer Waldorfus Grenoble. Harry, may I ask you a question regarding the trial?”
“Sure, Lee, I have to be back at work in ten but give it a go.”
“What is in the curry you had for lunch yesterday during the recess? It smelled fantastic and I have to know.”
“Thanks for asking, Lee. I’ve recently come across a book of my great-grandmother Priyanka’s notes on her Punjabi cooking and I’ve been trying to recreate her food. I liked that one but Ginny said it was too sweet so I’m making adjustments.”
“Fantastic. Great stuff. Next up we have an update on You-Know-Who’s whereabouts. Not Voldemort obviously– he’s six feet under, it’s been around 2500 days now and he’s still going strong, no sign of him being not dead any time soon.”
“You’re correct, Lee, he’s dead as a doornail and he’s going to stay that way. You do realize you don’t need to refer to your infant daughter as ‘You-Know-Who,’ right?”
“Sophie starts screaming if either of her dads talks about her and we don’t know why. Any suggestions, and any idea where she is now?”
“Oliver was walking her up and down the hallway outside the World Cup Regulatory Office last I saw her. As for the screaming, with James we gave him the miniature dragon from the Triwizard in ‘94 and that entertained him pretty well.”
“You heard it here first folks, Harry Potter thinks dragons are an appropriate substitute for pacifiers! Thanks for your time, Harry.”
“Any time, Lee.”
“Next week’s password is anything that will make our six-month-old go to sleep for longer than four hours. Signing off, this has been Potterwatch with River and the man himself, Harry Potter.”
