The most hilarious thing about the fact Buckbeak had a trial and lost is that later on JKR resolves the issue by having Hagrid take him in again and renaming him Witherwings. That’s literally all it took. What if in POA, Hagrid simply said, “Sorry, Buckbeak flew away.”
“There’s a hippogriff right there, Hagrid.”
“A different hipprogriff.”
“I’m… pretty sure that’s the same hipprogriff.”
“Prove it.”
no dna tests we die like scientifically underdeveloped societies
Prisoner of Azkaban continues to be the most frustrating book
Someone should have just adopted Sirius and started calling him Gerald.
Remus: Erm… this is our new order member, my… cousin Gerald. Gerald White.
“Mr. Lupin that is Sirius Black with glasses!” “Oh come now Minister, Sirius Black doesn’t wear glasses. That wouldn’t make sense.” “Well have Mr. White take off his glasses then!” “He can’t he needs them to see.”
it got better
It’s honestly a miracle to me that wizarding society doesn’t collapse every other week because like
You’ve got this world full of people who can destroy whole buildings or turn people into beetles or make vehicles fly just by waving a stick at them
And there is literally no common sense
Anywhere to be found
Voldemort would never have had anyone find out he was back if he just went around calling himself Steve
Okay, see, I thought I saved this post to comment on it but I’d like to bring up
The Minister would NEVER EVER disbelieve in Gerald White. He’d buy it hook line and sinker. The wizarding world would buy it hook line and sinker. The GOBLINS wouldn’t but wizards have been shown to be pretty blindingly clueless. Still, Gringotts would grudgingly give Sirius access to the Black fortune.
But, but, but, you know the one person
the one person
who Gerald White would drive AB-SO-LUTELY FUCKING BATSHIT?
Severus Snape.
Snape would do everything, EVERYTHING, to get people to believe that it’s Sirius. But the Order would ignore it (they accepted Sirius as Sirius before anyway) and Remus would just be so… so affronted.
‘Severus, he is my cousin.’
And Sirius would love it. He’d love the fact that Snape just hated it. He’d be the BEST DAMN GERALD WHITE EVER b/c Snape is doing everything from dropping veritaserum into his firewhisky to capturing a dementor in a box and releasing it on Sirius when he least expects it
That one causes problems for a bare minute because SHIT A DEMENTOR ATTEMPTED TO GIVE GERALD THE KISS MAYBE SNAPE IS RIGHT except Harry comes forward and is like ‘excuse me, I’ve never committed a crime and dementors are ALWAYS attacking me, I think they’re attracted to glasses’
and the magical community is like ‘shit, yeah, you’re right’
I spent my entire shift at work thinking about an AU where Remus keeps his job at the end of PoA, and Umbridge comes in 5th year to do inspections and keeps trying to find a reason to fire him but no one literally has any bad things to say about him.
Not Draco Malfoy “I know I’m usually the first to throw someone under the bus but also O.W.L.s ARE this year and I’m not losing a competent teacher and risking my O.”
Not even Severus Snape, who, when questioned, has to some very fast mental math between who he hates more- Lupin or Umbridge. Not to mention, implying that Lupin could be dangerous due to his lycanthropy would be a self-burn on his own potion making skills, and he assures Umbridge there’s not a person in the country who brews a more effective wolfsbane potion.
And when Umbridge observes his class (classes, actually, she’s determined to find a slip up), she sees nothing but students acting ridiculously well behaved, engaging in non-threatening and non-aggressive defensive magical theory, and Lupin standing demurely at the front of the room smiling at her.
(Lupin didn’t ask them to do this, of course, but there’s an unspoken understanding amongst the students that the kid who loses Lupin for the school is going to have their social life fuckin destroyed by every 7th year who finally feel confident in their ability to pass a DADA NEWT, not to mention the unbridled wrath of one Hermione Granger)
The most hilarious thing about the fact Buckbeak had a trial and lost is that later on JKR resolves the issue by having Hagrid take him in again and renaming him Witherwings. That’s literally all it took. What if in POA, Hagrid simply said, “Sorry, Buckbeak flew away.”
“There’s a hippogriff right there, Hagrid.”
“A different hipprogriff.”
“I’m… pretty sure that’s the same hipprogriff.”
“Prove it.”
no dna tests we die like scientifically underdeveloped societies
Prisoner of Azkaban continues to be the most frustrating book
Someone should have just adopted Sirius and started calling him Gerald.
Remus: Erm… this is our new order member, my… cousin Gerald. Gerald White.
“Mr. Lupin that is Sirius Black with glasses!” “Oh come now Minister, Sirius Black doesn’t wear glasses. That wouldn’t make sense.” “Well have Mr. White take off his glasses then!” “He can’t he needs them to see.”
i talk a lot about how my favorite missing moment in the hp series is the one referenced when harry mentions umbridge and sirius says “you should hear remus talk about her” but like, here is the reason for that.
remus spends the whole series speaking so cautiously, hesitating before he talks, choosing his words so carefully; something i think about a lot is the rarity with which he uses contractions in his speech, i.e. its always “he will” instead of he’ll,” etc. what that says to me is that he speaks slowly, he thinks before he talks, he is measured and careful in his speech. everything he says out loud he has already gone through in his head.
and there’s a reason for that, yeah? he does this on purpose, he does it because he has to maintain this exacted control or else people are going to be afraid. if he loses it, it is going to scare people. anger from remus – a raised voice, an aggressive movement, anything – is going to be perceived as corroboration of every stereotype and prejudice that he encourages people to resist with his constructed performance as a Good Werewolf. he can’t afford to trust that he can drop that emotional wall, because the reality of it is, maybe he can’t. maybe he drops it and people say “here it is, here is the proof that he is a monster, and now we must do what has to be done to monsters.” and so through the entire series, remus is characterized largely by his restraint: what he does not say, what he does not show, what he does not let himself feel.
twice harry (and the reader) sees remus lose control: when dumbledore dies (triggered by grief) and during their fight in grimmauld during deathly hallows (triggered by shame, fear, anger, self-loathing – a lot of things). extreme situations and emotions are the only things that shake him, right, thats when he breaks, that’s when he drops that shield: when he himself is so broken that he does not have the strength to keep it up any longer.
but here is the point in the long-winded rant where i wrap myself back around to the point:
whensirius says ‘you should hear remus talk about her,” there is (to me, anyway) a clear implication that when remus talks about umbridge, he’s pissed. he’s angry. he gives himself permission to be angry around sirius and that is important to me because it means that he trusts sirius. he trusts that sirius knows who he is, and he trusts that around sirius he does not have to maintain this constant charade of being a Good Werewolf. he can be angry, and sirius will think no less of him.
there is trust there, and that’s important to me, to know that remus does trust sirius again. it’s not a shipping thing or whatever, it’s just, the fact of the matter is that remus does not perform this self-protective act around sirius. that means there is one person who remus trusts himself with, and he needs that, and he deserves that. and i’m glad that it was sirius, for a very short period of time. i’m glad that they had one another back again, that they both had somebody who understood them fully again.
and that’s my piece about it, y’know, i don’t expect everyone to care that much about this one-off line, but for me it’s important. take it or leave it ya feel me?
nymphadora tonks has known alastor moody for exactly four days before she begins to address him by one of two names and two names only
1) mad-eye
the first time she calls him this, it’s at the end of the day and she shouts it as he’s clunking away
see you tomorrow, mad-eye, we’ll all try not to lose a buttock in the meantime
all the other auror cadets freeze because they think they’re maybe about to watch one of their fellow trainees be murdered by the most legendary auror any of them are ever going to meet
they’re absolutely sure of it when moody stops walking and they know he’s looking at them through the back of his head with his magical eye so they’re all trying very hard not to make any sudden movements or loud noises so they don’t draw any attention to themselves
except for tonks, who is fucking waving with the world’s largest shit-eating grin on her face
and then moody starts walking again, shouting back constant vigilance!
2) the man the myth the legend, auror mister alastor q. moody, sir, the constantly vigilant
she has no idea what moody’s actual middle name is, and she’s not sure there’s a living person who does
so she just picks a new middle initial every time, whatever strikes her fancy at the moment
she’s particularly fond of u, because every time someone new hears her say it and asks what his middle name is she tells them it’s unicorn.
alastor unicorn moody?
it’s a very old family name, you know how purebloods can get with their names.
sometimes when she does this, moody breaks out her full name, all nine syllables and twenty-four letters, in revenge
in revenge for that, tonks will get kingsley to do it, which he does in that calm, deep voice of his that sounds a bit like it’s chipping something into stone
moody deeply regrets taking either of them on as his proteges
(he does not actually regret it, even a little bit, not even when they tell the new recruits about it and he has to scare the life out the first one to dare uttering the words the man the myth the legend within a kilometer of him. that’s actually sort of fun.)
Or, what happens if you train a neural network on the titles and plot summaries of over 100,000 works of Harry Potter fan fiction.
In the decades since the Harry Potter books were published, fans have written literally hundreds of thousands of Harry Potter stories of their own, and shared them online. Can a neural network join in on the fun?
In a way, everything a recurrent neural network writes is fan fiction. A recurrent neural network looks at an example dataset (such as the complete Sherlock Holmes stories) and teaches itself the patterns and conventions that it sees. So, if it’s given Sherlock Holmes stories, it will become obsessed with Holmes and Watson, and if it’s given knock-knock jokes, it will spend all day telling awful knock-knock jokes of its own.
The Perfect Party by iamisaac Draco has been left alone, and Ginny confused must learn and who has his best friend. They were breathed by a love that didn’t become his grounds and the flowers begin.
This is a typical example of the neural network’s fan fiction – romantic pairings of two or more Harry Potter characters (called “ships” in fan fiction-speak). In this case, it even has chosen a plausible author: iamisaac is a real and fairly prolific fan fiction author whose works do tend to be of the “romantic” variety.
The Garden by perverse_idyll for lexigilite Ron and Hermione move after a man party. What did her best things go and has to deal with people she loves? How many imperfect love really belonges them and needs to be a person? Or will they learn and more than the war?
Mirror Thing by Queen_Elexhan “Are you there for a relationship? I was a sad future for your love.” Harry and Ginny find out the meaning is.
Shatters by Kis [archived by TheHexFiles_archivist ] Based on the Spot Are It Falls Into A Heir by NextrangeOnTheThree Draco and Hermione share a whole indescribbening.
Again, “perverse_idyll” and “TheHexFiles_archivist” are fairly active authors. (Hi, if you’re reading! The neural network seems to like your writing, and is writing fan fiction of your fan fiction!) Those familiar with Harry Potter fan fiction will not be surprised to learn that the neural network really likes to generate ships; pretty much every combination of characters is represented (some of the more unusual combinations being “The Snow/Voldemort”, “The Ministry/Draco Malfoy”, and “Voldemort/Random Quidditch Child”).
By turning down the neural network’s creativity setting to near-zero, we arrive at its vision of what the quintessential Harry Potter fan fiction would be like – and we also learn its favorite ship:
Persuading by theladyblack Harry and Draco are still a second chance at the end of the war. Will they be able to do with the fairy tale of the first time they were a strange stranger to the street of the war and the war is over?
It turns out the neural network is obsessed with Harry/Draco, although in a pinch, Sirius/Remus will also do.
The neural network also seems to really like stories about Professor Snape trying to do rather ordinary things:
New Moon Boys by Dungoonke for Loki_Kukaka Severus Snape comes back to a night’s politics.
In the Reason Is Blinders by LittleRoma Severus has been through his lost remote.
In The Alteri Silence by Forest_of_Holly for roscreens41 Snape receives life after plants to do by work over whether they get into. Just Hell.
A Second Chance by DarkCorgi Snape had a second thing, and that is better than anything for for the rest of his life.
Mirror by orphan_account Severus Snape tries to get a lot of dragons and that was to be more than he didn’t expect to continue. He has always been a bit of an old and a baby to stay the way he’d been the brother at Hogwarts and he keeps the chance of meeting…
Deception by FlyingEyes Snape is a British Robes of interesting things and worrys like a little fun and sees the pretty battle for a while.
Another thing that happened, which is pretty much my favorite thing ever, is that the neural network apparently encountered some fan fiction stories that were not in English. As a result, it learned to do this from time to time:
The Secretary Of the World Challenge inspired by GoF and la mating resigns de la mill colors per mereple beruit carteur la pelete el wert rardo completing and herillo intus den una a des rush sentines kelta an transoles…
Between by Cheyangel13 A series of fivers are unexpectedly depressed and controlled by the bed, with least more from una perfemale erpensa de the maesse akai suidadium dela vida call de la los se terriuus do form en sou dies de fasurard il resisted de for dogs la sementu sein prong colors itu dee adte se sige natard…
The neural network has also learned to employ capital letters:
Les finds love by violet_quill for starstruck1986 Severus Snape wanted him to be more and she likes Draco. The person he wants an energy to him. WHALIDE NO GEATIRE SOURR INSPE AHARMANABLISH ALL SOME TO VERY THE RERIDE!!!!!!!
secret Quidditch by snapsleert Collapse and find the second worst and very different. See Gain and Descent motivate surprising death. Unbusing one of the months: should make more bumo.choooshots. HUGULATED
And the neural network occasionally uses content warnings, although it seems to have a rather fuzzy idea about what to warn its readers about:
Better With The Broom Complicate by Margyn_Black Tonks gets more than the best girl of creation. (Rated Maturisle, mark, a violence, contract) (slash] part of themes) ferret.
Art for the Sun a Scary by disillusionist9 A collection of warnings: characters and situations of silence.
Some of the neural network’s stories, though, are just plain weird.
Harry Potter and the Painful Eyes by dark_pook A Birthday drabble about the problems and a woman who shows up a lot less than she checks at Hogwarts in the destiny to the infamous adventure of control of the Art of The Good Boy Kings With Hermione.
Harry and the Blue Special Delicious by apolavia_scg An unexpected potions messaged in the world their lives are to find friendship following the day of different pagers. James and Lily come to the summer before the war.
The Perfect Cow by alafaye Severus and Hermione start a horcruxes
Art: Let Draco roll the light of the moon, and means. by Dangelanne What happens after the war. Not drawn to Draco Malfoy jumpers. Originally written in 2008.
Birds of a Saturday by SasuNarufan13 Harry Potter is drunk and discovers he is an alternate universe.
Holly theody by yesIpxdishoftlyGrinli What would be dangerous! Side Voldemort Jones does all lord off the sunshine show.
Lily Evans and the Ravenclaw of a Christmas Surprise by ci Severus angst the truth of a frighten situation for the wink.
Persuasion by Samanthian The Sorting Hat is fighting in one of the houses.
lily’s family by sharkle Harry woke up in searching after a werewolf Sherlock’s picnic. He is furious.
As a bonus, I leave you with some fairly-plausible screennames the neural network invented, which appear not to be taken (yet):
Hi my name is Emily Faulk’ner Prudence Christianity Twain and I have long ebony black hair, dark like the degraded soil outside of my family’s decaying manor where nothing will grow any longer, and icy blue eyes like my grandfather, who always went out the night before people talked about finding another lynching. A lot of people tell me I look like Flannery O’Connor (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Mark twain but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie, and papa always told me that everyone in our town was related somehow and that was okay, because better marry your cousin than one of those outsiders who pass through our town looking down at us in their shoes. I’m a Southerner but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I don’t toss and turn at night haunted by the knowledge that out further into the woods on our estate are the graves of my family’s former slaves. I’m a Southern goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly gingham. I love my mom’s spinning wheel and I make all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing the reminders of my family’s old glory spun into a cotton dress that reminds me of a time I never knew where we were still prosperous and the servants took care of our home, before the vines grew up over the side of our mansion and consumed the walls like our entire legacy had been reclaimed from the soul we took our glory from. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about, because the sun offered no protection from evil and all the worst terrors happened in broad daylight, like what happened to the older McKinley girl when I was younger. A lot of outsiders stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
So back in the eighth grade (a good eight years ago) I thought of this scenario where the Marauders wanted to find a loophole for the ‘No students out of bed at night” rule. And I came to the conclusion that they would absolutely sit on their beds and levitate them throughout the corridors so that they were never actually technically out of bed. And it’s been eight years and I just remembered this headcanon and I still think that they absolutely would have done this.
