infinity war seems a lot more unnecessary when you remember that the mcu canonically has two (2) elders of the universe who could literally wipe the floor with thanos. like huge battle, Everything is bad, suddenly the grandmaster and the collector roll up in their party bus techno music blaring and thanos is melted into a puddle instantly
“Fuckin sweet” the collector says as he picks up the infinity gauntlet with his bare fucking hands “this is gonna look great above my big screen tv”
“who gives, uh, a shit about some shiny rocks? my trophy twink is here” calls out the grandmaster. he whisks loki away and they disappear in a puff of golden glitter to go play games across the stars
I mean. Fuck. This isn’t wrong
wait the Grandmaster is powerful? its a Deity? I thought he;s just an alien?
he’s, uh, kinda powerful yeah
Hes not nearly strong enough to beat thanos. That list basically just says hes stronger than a human and immortal
“h,hey you big purple dipshit”
says the grandmaster upon 1) rearranging thanos’s matter into vapor and then 2) subjecting each particle to a blinding blast of kinetic energy and then 3) teleporting each god damn remaining particle to a different corner of the universe,
“i know you liked having a, a body, and all, but uhhhhh this is what you get if you mess with my, my beautiful boyfriend here,” he waves over the battlefield and in loki’s general direction, “and the, the rest of the planet too. there’s skee ball here. skee ball, skee ball is great. so wh-whatever”
the collector is still fawning over the pretty rocks stuck in the infinity gauntlet (which he is still holding with his bare fucking hands) but he does get back into the party bus with it, which stan lee is driving
“bye, losers,” loki says before disappearing into the ether with his sugar daddy in a puff of golden glitter. the day is saved. peter parker goes back to school. bucky gets a goddamn nap under an actual blanket. steve and tony have an adult conversation for once. the rest of the movie is character development and constructive relationship building
the mid credits scene is the collector watching sex and the city on his big screen tv with the infinity gauntlet mounted above it in a lovely shadowbox frame
the end credits scene shows the grandmaster and loki in bed cuddling. loki is fast asleep. the grandmaster’s blue makeup is smudged all over loki’s face and neck and the part of his chest that’s visible. just off screen you can hear taika waititi yelling in triumph. jeff goldblum looks directly at the camera and winks. cut to black
I love how in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve and Bucky are having their dramatic highway battle and the cars in the other lane just keep driving. Like, the regular people in the Marvel Cinematic Universe must be so jaded at this point. Like, “Ho hum. Another Monday. Aw dangit. Looks like they’re at it again. The five o’clock rush is gonna be hell.”
Various twitter accounts just like:
So-called superheroes making me late to work again. Are they gonna employ me when I get fired for their incompetence? ?
THINK I SAW CAP AMERICA ON HWY 95 BRIDGE ??❤️
No one at work believes I was late because I missed my turn due to “enormous bird man.” #cantmakethisshitup
Captain America vs SHIELD secret police have shootout on freeway in DC. What are they not telling us?
Dropped my snack in floorboard bc some metal arm dude flew off this car & into the gd road. Skittles everywhere.
Saw some guy get tossed into oncoming traffic and hit by a penske truck this afternoon. #gross #wasgettinglunch #nevermind ?
FUCKING SUPERHEROES BETTER HAVE SOME SUPER FUCKING INSURANCE. CAME OUT OF MEETING. MY CAR IS TOTALED. WTF?!?!
Saw Black Widow on bridge this afternoon. #daymade
Which Avenger has a metal arm? #newfave ?
Think I saw Cap A out of costume & still fighting shit. Either that or some kids have taken LARPing too far.
Is there an Avengers with wings? Seriously. This is important.
Pray for those caught in #Hwy95 incident. Bus overturned. Potential Avengers situation. ?
Ridding the world of evil? What about the evil of making a girl late to her lunch date? Smh
Got bullet holes in my car today, but it also shielded black widow so like thank you ma’am. It’s been an honor.
I wanna hear traffic reports from the MCU
“Traffic’s going just fine on I-70 but I-65 is backed up due to what looks likes three people taking on one guy with a metal arm and a some random cannon fodder. If you’re headin’ north on 1-65, you might want to find an alternate route. Back to you in the studio, Jim.”
