basically my dad is an asshole the text post
so i have a history oral tomorrow and for all of last year i failed at orals
not like getting a bad mark that always happens but panicking right before i have to go and asking to do it at lunch or something
i did that for every single oral even the ones where i said i wasn’t going to do that
but see you can’t do that in senior school, you have to talk about it with the teacher way in advance
and i was like ok i can do this i’ll get up and do it i’ll just avoid thinking about it as much as possible
and yeah i wrote the damn thing and did all that but i’m supposed to have a one page summary ready to hand out to the class and i wrote that too but i forgot to print it out bc i thought it would be ok to do it tonight but then the printer refused to work
so i started having a panic attack because i was so freaked about having to do the oral and maybe not doing it
at this point i am more scared of failing to do the oral than the oral itself (which is still scary as hell but like… doable)
so i try to get mum to help and she’s kind of mad bc she was relaxing and stuff but she can’t get it to work so i start completely freaking out
and then TONY comes in and starts yelling at me for disrupting him or whatever and jesus christ how does he have the right to do that, like he had a 13 hour day well guess what i had a 12 hour one and he could totally work less and hey, wow, he earns MONEY for doing that shit (which is something he ;brings up whenever he’s asked to do something) like i don’t even get anything other than stress
also i think i might have been having panic attacks for a lot of my life? almost all brought on by tony yelling at me, i am so scared of him yelling at me it’s the thing i am most scared of
so after being like FRANCES SHUT UP SHUT UP STOP BEING HYSTERICAL AND STUPID AND SELFISH he’s like HEY I THOUGHT OF A SOLUTION, WE’LL DRIVE TO MY WORK AND PRINT IT THERE and like that would be a FANTASTIC solution if a) it wouldn’t take an hour- i like to go to bed at 10, at the time it was 9, so that would have replaced my hour of relaxing and like chilling out or whatever with an hour of freaking out about the oral and b) that is the solution to a different problem than the one i am having
so he kept yelling his suggestion at me for like ten minutes and not even listening when i said my solution, which was to email the teacher so i was just crying more and then like every other fucking time he yells at me he started yelling at me for crying like i am crying because i am scared and i am panicking and you are not helping
so then i asked him to leave and like every other time it’s “OH NO I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE WHY SHOULD I LEAVE I AM CLEARLY NOT HTE SOURCE OF THIS PROBLEM YOU CRYING IS THE SOURCE OF THIS PROBLEM”
and like
if he had left i would have calmed down probably but he never ever leaves ever he just yells and yells
and even though i had my hands over my ears i could hear every word of it an dno no n o no
so i left but that never does anything because he’s still there and he hasn’t left i don’t even know how to explain it but it’s still scary
and like afterwards i was looking for my glasses adn he was like oh so you can come in here now all mocking like
he really does not get how much his yelling affects me, like “i have a naturally authoritative voice” yeah and that can be absolutely terrifying and it is your responsibility to not do that, sometimes i yell without realising and it is the worst feeling because i never ever ever want to make someone feel like that, if i ever do anything like that tell me and i will stop, i can’t yell i can’t make people feel like that i dont’ want to do that
but my point is i can god damn regulate my voice so why can’t he why is it always my fault for him yelling at me
i don’t even care about the oral anymore i should but i don’t
also i can’t find my glasses which sucks